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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Racist Merely Misspoke

HOLLY SPRINGS, MS–Apologizing for any misunderstanding, Holly Springs councilman Knox Jeffries explained Monday that he "merely misspoke" when he called African-American councilman Isaac Witherspoon "a dumb, spear-chucking porch monkey" during a Mar. 10 meeting. "I can see how my remarks could have been misconstrued as offensive, but I can assure you they were not intended as such," Jeffries said. "I am sorry for any hurt I may have inadvertently caused Ike, a fine, law-abiding Negro." Jeffries then extended an olive branch to Witherspoon, inviting him and his wife to his home for "a whole mess of collard greens and cornbread."

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