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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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Radical Islamic Extremists Snowboard Into U.S. Embassy

BAGHDAD—Extremist board-trick crew Al-J'Aqasse, the Middle East's most prominent Islamic radical snowboard posse, is taking full props for destroying the American embassy when a member nailed a goofyfoot 720 nosehook from a security-barrier railgrind into its offices while carrying 25 kilos of C4 plastic explosives, Thrashzeera magazine reported Tuesday.

One of Al-J'Aqasse most radical, gnarliest members.

"In the name of Allah the Merciful, this rad shit is off the hook, yo! Death to the great Satan!" Al-J'Aqasse members shouted in a videotaped, System Of A Down–soundtracked statement posted on the magazine's website, which is denouncing the bombing as "totally sick and twizted."

"Satan! Satan! Satan! Al-J'Aqasse blowing up across the M-E!" one member added.

American security is not certain how Al-J'Aqasse was allowed to build their custom snowpipe-ramp setup across the street from the embassy, but banners and promotional materials scattered across the blast zone point to the involvement of radical, extreme-sports-beverage bottler Sunni Delight.

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