Radical Socialist Movement Ends After Three Semesters

In This Section

Vol 33 Issue 02

Microsoft Signs Justice Dept. Attorney To $350 Million Endorsement Deal

REDMOND, WA—Microsoft Corp. signed Justice Department assistant attorney general Joel Klein to a three-year, $350 million endorsement deal Monday. Klein, who will appear in Microsoft TV and print ads, joins a growing list of high-profile government personalities who have signed endorsement deals with the software giant, including solicitor general Seth Waxman, FTC chair Robert Pitofsky and federal judge Thomas Penfield Jackson. "We are thrilled to have a big-time celebrity like Joel Klein endorsing our products," Microsoft’s Bill Gates said. "This highly recognizable figure should help greatly increase public awareness of Microsoft." Said Klein: "I am very excited to lend my image and name to Microsoft, America’s Software People. The company has long impressed me with the high quality of its products and its fair, non-monopolistic business practices." Klein then issued a cease-and-desist order against Apple Computer for anti-competitive pricing tactics, deceptive advertising, and unlawful employment of underage slave labor.

Local Couple Needs To Talk

TAMPA, FL—According to a just-released report, Tampa resident Phillip Washburn and girlfriend Jennifer Healy badly need to talk. "Despite the seemingly solid nature of the couple’s relationship," the report read, "Washburn and Healy need to get some things straight and determine just where things stand right now. They also need to figure out exactly where they’re headed." If the couple fails to talk, they face possible breakup, redistribution of personal items, and an undetermined period of involuntary abstinence.

MTV Promotes, Airs, Condemns Controversial New Video

NEW YORK—MTV is reacting with stern condemnation and heavy rotation to the video for "Cut My Slut’s Cunt Up," the controversial new song by Miscogynator, a Keith Flint-fronted Prodigy side project. The video, which has outraged feminists with its graphic depictions of nude women being brutally beaten, is, according to MTV News' Kurt Loder, "an offensive, sick, degrading abomination that goes beyond all limits of decency, and will be aired unedited at least 15 times a day on MTV. Watch it often, and see for yourself just how wrong it is." Said MTV president David Zell: "Because of the disgusting, reprehensible nature of this video, MTV is only airing it between 11 p.m. and 7 a.m. EST, when all teens are asleep, and between 8 a.m. and 3 p.m. EST, when all teens are at school. This tough stance will ensure that no underage viewers will ever be exposed to this crass exercise in exploitation."

Congress To Ironhead: 'What's With This Thingy?'

WASHINGTON, DC—Under fire for a litany of alleged "inappropriately feminine" personal-hygiene practices, St. Louis Rams running back Craig "Ironhead" Heyward testified under federal subpoena Monday before the Senate Investigatory Subcommittee on Bath And Shower Gender-Role Standards And Norms.

Penthouse Reader Never Thought This Would Happen To Him

NEW YORK—In a startling, improbable turn of events, a reader of the popular men's entertainment magazine Penthouse recently became involved in a real-life sex-fantasy scenario, the likes of which he had previously believed impossible for "an ordinary guy like me," Forum sources reported Monday.

HUD Allocates $260 Million For Low-Outcome Housing

WASHINGTON, DC—Department of Housing and Urban Development Secretary Andrew Cuomo announced Wednesday that his department will allocate $260 million toward the construction of more than 50,000 low-outcome housing units in cities across the U.S.

I Wish To Go To Heaven

Booooo! It is I, the ghost of Herman Ulysses Zweibel, founder of The Onion, or, as it was known in my day, The Mercantile-Onion. Booooo!
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Radical Socialist Movement Ends After Three Semesters

ANN ARBOR, MI—Spokespersons for the Global Socialist League, an Ann Arbor-based radical socialist organization, announced Tuesday that the group is disbanding due to a lack of funds, ending its three-semester struggle to smash the bulwarks of slavery and oppression everywhere.

Global Socialist League members (L-R) Chad Saunders, Greg Thornberg and Kate Barlow attempt to raise the political consciousness of passersby.

Founded by University of Michigan junior Kate Barlow in September 1996 as a campus-based revolutionary strike force dedicated to establishing a worldwide dictatorship of the proletariat, the GSL made the decision to disband after learning it had dropped below the five-member minimum required by the university for student-organization funding.

"We were really starting to get the word out about AmeriKKKa's exploitation of migrant labor, the silencing of Mumia Abu-Jamal, and the Clinton regime's reign of fascist terror in Central America," said Barlow, GSL chairperson and a creative-writing major. "But then Craig dropped out because his dad threatened to stop paying his tuition if he didn't get his grades up, and Doug decided to spend junior year abroad in England."

"After three glorious semesters of struggle, we have chosen to pursue even more subversive socialist endeavors in the radical Ann Arbor underground while working at a variety of part-time jobs during the day," GSL Minister of Information Chad Saunders said.

Saunders cited his recent acquisition of a personal computer as a major factor in his own decreased involvement with the radical group.

"I just bought this game called Warcraft II: Tides Of Darkness. It's amazing," Saunders said. "You can be orcs or humans, and you build up these castles and armies and battle to the death. Last night, I almost constructed an Altar Of Storms, but then Jeff attacked with his dragons and totally destroyed me."

Ann Arbor-area capitalists were excited by the news of the Global Socialist League's breakup. "Chad never picked up any extra shifts because of all the meetings he had for that club he was in," said Bob Jorgensen, manager of the downtown Ann Arbor Starbuck's Coffee where Saunders works. "Hopefully, he'll be able to take some extra weekend hours now, since he doesn't have to sell those newspapers anymore."

Much like the Zapatista rebels currently fighting the Mexican government for social justice in the state of Chiapas, the Global Socialist League faced persecution from University of Michigan authorities.

"We tried to staple up notices in the Union for a rally protesting the CIA's secret war against migrant laborers in California," GSL Minister of Postering Greg Thornberg said. "But this guy from the Union info desk came over and told us we had to get permission first. He will be the first against the wall when the revolution comes."

The group suffered another setback when financial support for its newsletter, ¡Revolt!, fell through.

"This guy I know named Pat was going to lend us $40 to print 200 copies, but then he wound up spending the money on Widespread Panic tickets," Thornberg said. "So after that, we decided to print just 50 copies, but the guy at Kinko's said if we printed that few, the price per copy would be twice as much. So we were like, 'Forget it, man, we can't swing it.'"

Assessments of the Global Socialist League's legacy are mixed. "Kate Barlow combined an adequate knowledge of The Communist Manifesto with an ability to shout anti-U.S. slogans on street corners without embarrassment, making her an effective campus socialist leader," Michigan political-science professor R. Jonathan Cooper said. "However, the Global Socialist League's inability to deliver meeting times and other event listings to the campus newspaper before deadline seriously hampered its efforts to overthrow the extant capitalist order of the United States."

While the Global Socialist League is no more, Barlow said the group's dissolution is only a temporary setback on the inevitable march of the human race toward a state of communistic utopia.

"I feel just like Lenin in 1917, when he lived in exile in Switzerland," Barlow said. "Not long after, he returned to Russia and toppled the Provisional Government, establishing Bolshevik control over the country in just six months."

Barlow said she has worked out a similar plan to overthrow the racist, imperialist U.S. government with a series of massive labor strikes and agitation campaigns among urban poor. She was unable to provide specifics, however, as she was late for her shift at Einstein's Bagels.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More