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Radio DJ Invites Whole Town To Some Bullshit

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Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Radio DJ Invites Whole Town To Some Bullshit

TULSA, OK—According to an on-air announcement, KWPA disc jockey Johnny the Radio Bomb is inviting the entire populace of Greater Tulsa to some bullshit or other happening this Sunday.  The bullshit, which is taking place in the parking lot of Kirk's Mattress Warehouse off the Broken Arrow Expressway and may or may not be in a tent, will feature free hot dogs, an unbearable local blues-rock band, a bunch of other bullshit, and an appearance by Johnny the Radio Bomb himself. "Everyone's welcome," the Radio Bomb said as he cued up "Feels Like The First Time" and "Juke Box Hero" for a Twofer Tuesday rock-block. "Hop on down to [the bullshit] between two and five." In addition to picking up bullshit bumper stickers and stupid-ass balloons for the kids from the KWPA Prize Patrol, visitors can register to win a 2012 Toyota Corolla.

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