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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Radio DJ Invites Whole Town To Some Bullshit

TULSA, OK—According to an on-air announcement, KWPA disc jockey Johnny the Radio Bomb is inviting the entire populace of Greater Tulsa to some bullshit or other happening this Sunday.  The bullshit, which is taking place in the parking lot of Kirk's Mattress Warehouse off the Broken Arrow Expressway and may or may not be in a tent, will feature free hot dogs, an unbearable local blues-rock band, a bunch of other bullshit, and an appearance by Johnny the Radio Bomb himself. "Everyone's welcome," the Radio Bomb said as he cued up "Feels Like The First Time" and "Juke Box Hero" for a Twofer Tuesday rock-block. "Hop on down to [the bullshit] between two and five." In addition to picking up bullshit bumper stickers and stupid-ass balloons for the kids from the KWPA Prize Patrol, visitors can register to win a 2012 Toyota Corolla.

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