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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Radio Interviewer Audibly Fellating Colt McCoy

AUSTIN, TX—Greg Streets, the commentator and host of The Longhorn Zone on Austin-area AM station Sports Radio 1480, could clearly be heard performing enthusiastic and vigorous oral sex upon Texas quarterback and Heisman trophy frontrunner Colt McCoy during an interview Wednesday. "So there are people, hmmmmmm ummmm nnf, saying that Oklahoma State will blitz and try to apply womm hnghh ulp more pressure on you this Saturday," Streets gasped wetly during the seven-minute puff piece which took up the central section of the 20-minute question-and-answer session. "Mmmmm hmmm oh. Oh my. Oh." McCoy made it clear during the interview that the Longhorns were concentrating on conference play, taking it one game at a time, and that being on top ain't gay.

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