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Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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Radio Interviewer Audibly Fellating Colt McCoy

AUSTIN, TX—Greg Streets, the commentator and host of The Longhorn Zone on Austin-area AM station Sports Radio 1480, could clearly be heard performing enthusiastic and vigorous oral sex upon Texas quarterback and Heisman trophy frontrunner Colt McCoy during an interview Wednesday. "So there are people, hmmmmmm ummmm nnf, saying that Oklahoma State will blitz and try to apply womm hnghh ulp more pressure on you this Saturday," Streets gasped wetly during the seven-minute puff piece which took up the central section of the 20-minute question-and-answer session. "Mmmmm hmmm oh. Oh my. Oh." McCoy made it clear during the interview that the Longhorns were concentrating on conference play, taking it one game at a time, and that being on top ain't gay.

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Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

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