Radioactive Yeast Infection Transforms Local Woman into Superpowered Crimefighter

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Vol 30 Issue 01

Band's Van Breaks Down

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Promising local band Spacegoat suffered a major setback on its path to fame yesterday, when its 1982 Dodge van broke down en route to a show in Durham.

African Nation Not War-Torn

PORTO-NOVO, BENIN—According to inside sources in the capital city of Porto-Novo, the nation of Benin is not currently torn by war. In addition to lacking massive civil strife and severe political turmoil, the sources say, the small West African nation is also not under threat of violent military coup by leftist guerrillas. "Benin is a peaceful country," said New York Times West African correspondent Richard Coombes. "Its people are not being killed in large numbers and buried in mass graves. Further, Benin's many cities and villages are not being burned to the ground by roving bands of power-hungry, machine gun-wielding warlords." Benin's Department of Tourism is capitalizing on the nation's lack of combat, next week launching a $30 million "Benin—You Will Not Be Killed Here!" promotional campaign.

Lester Jackson Gets His Sorry Ass Home

ST. LOUIS—At the strong urging of his wife Rhonda, Lester Jackson got his sorry ass home last night, narrowly avoiding an explosive domestic confrontation. "He better get his sorry ass home real soon," Rhonda Jackson told reporters around 11:45 p.m. yesterday, more than two hours after her husband was supposed to return from his weekly poker game. "Cause if he don't, he ain't gonna like what he find when he do." Several minutes after Rhonda Jackson made her statement, Lester Jackson dragged his sorry ass through the front door, trying to pass off another one of his sorry-ass excuses and wearing that sorry-ass hangdog look on his face he always wears when he knows he's going to get it real good.

Dream Team Wins Small Soft Drink

ATLANTA—The U.S. men's basketball "Dream Team" took home a small soft drink from McDonald's yesterday, making its players big winners and quenching their Olympic-sized thirsts. "We win when the USA wins," said power forward Karl Malone, taking a sip from the Dream Team's 12-ounce Coke. "This refreshing beverage is ice-cold proof of that." The Dream Team won the food prize Sunday, when U.S. fencer Dana Owens took gold in the individual women's epee, defeating Qatar's Faizla Hourani 15-11, 15-9. Nine of the eleven Dream Teamers shared the drink, the exceptions being center Shaquille O'Neal, who is signed to a long-term exclusive contract with Pepsi, and reserve point guard John Stockton, who wanted a Mello-Yello.

Navy Admiral Thinks He's 'Mr. Important'

QUANTICO, VA—According to a recently published report, Navy Admiral John A. Weinhardt, 57, thinks he is "Mr. Important," or something. "Oooooooh... Aren't we Mr. Special? Aren't we just Mr. Look- At- All- My- Medals- I'm- So- Important- I'm- a- Mr.- Big-Shot- Important- Mr.- Navy- Man," read part of the 340-page classified government report, which concluded, "Like wow, I'm really powerful. Oooh, look at all these people saluting me... Like, I'm just so cool, you know?." Admiral Weinhardt has declined comment on the allegations.

The Not-So-Friendly Skies

Last month's mysterious crash of TWA Flight 800 near Long Island, which came on the heels of several other major air tragedies, has sparked a national debate about the safety and security of commercial airlines. What do you think?

Clinton Announces New 'No Walkman' Rule for Congress

WASHINGTON, DC—In a reversal of more than 15 years of Presidential Walkman policy, Bill Clinton announced Monday he is banning all personal portable stereo devices from meetings of the U.S. Congress, both House and Senate.
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Radioactive Yeast Infection Transforms Local Woman into Superpowered Crimefighter

METROPOLIS—In a transformation that has baffled nuclear physicists and gynecologists alike, an area woman recently gained superhuman powers through an accidental radioactive yeast infection.

Though her real identity remains a mystery, to the millions of honest, law-abiding citizens of Metropolis who live in constant fear of crime, she goes by one name: Yeastwoman.

"Evil-doers beware!" the statuesque superhero announced via satellite from her secret underground Fortress of Yeast-itude. "My powerful yeast ray causes burning, itching and cheesy discharges from the genital area, and I will not hesitate to use it on those who do wrong."

Police first became aware of Yeastwoman last week when an officer on patrol stumbled across one of Metropolis' most notorious arch-villains, the evil Professor Prostate, bound and gagged in the wharf district. Upon closer inspection, a single-use applicator of Monistat-7 was discovered near his side.

"We saw this as the 'calling card' of a new, powerful ally in our war on crime," Metropolis Chief of Police William Brautigan said. "Her bacterial brand of justice will spread quickly throughout the city."

Each day, more and more criminals are finding out about the formidable new crimefighter first-hand.

"I had just ripped a purse off some old lady's shoulder and was running down an alley when Yeastwoman caught up to me," said Jay DiFrenzi, a repeat offender now in police custody. "There was this burst of light, and suddenly it felt like my crotch was on fire. The burning sensation was too intense to fight."

At yesterday's press conference, Yeastwoman discussed the origin of her powers.

"One year ago, I agreed to participate in a top-secret government testing program for a new tampon containing the experimental absorbing agent Plutonium-235," she said. "But during one of the experiments, something went horribly wrong. There was an explosion, and before long, my discharge was 200 times more powerful than that of an average woman."

"I went to my gynecologist, Dr. Meyer, to have it checked out," she continued. "But when one vaginal twitch sent him crashing through the wall, I knew I had been transformed."

Ironically, the same gynecologist who attempted to cure Yeastwoman of her infection is now her worst enemy. After flying through the wall, Dr. Meyer smashed into a cart of toxic pap smear samples that were being disposed of. Horrifically disfigured by the accident, James Meyer is now Dr. Gynosaur, a stunted sociopath whose bodily functions are serviced by a gigantic metal speculum exoskeleton.

Dr. Gynosaur vowed to make destroying Yeastwoman his life's goal.

"Yeastwoman! I and my hordes of subhuman Smegmalons will ruin you, just as you ruined my once-beautiful face!" said Gynosaur at his own press conference. "Re-venge will be mine when you attempt to stop my assault on the Women's Health Center! Take a long look in the mirror, dear! One last look before I deform you with my speculum pincers!"

"Such evil cannot be faced alone," Yeastwoman said yesterday, responding to Gynosaur's statement. "That is why I have chosen a partner in my war against crime, Urinary Tract Infection Girl."

City officials have given Yeastwoman and Urinary Tract Infection Girl full rein in their crimefighting efforts.

Support has also come from local businesses like Bob Blastwick Ford, who donated a brand new '97 Taurus to serve as the Yeastmobile.

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