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Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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Radioactive Yeast Infection Transforms Local Woman into Superpowered Crimefighter

METROPOLIS—In a transformation that has baffled nuclear physicists and gynecologists alike, an area woman recently gained superhuman powers through an accidental radioactive yeast infection.

Though her real identity remains a mystery, to the millions of honest, law-abiding citizens of Metropolis who live in constant fear of crime, she goes by one name: Yeastwoman.

"Evil-doers beware!" the statuesque superhero announced via satellite from her secret underground Fortress of Yeast-itude. "My powerful yeast ray causes burning, itching and cheesy discharges from the genital area, and I will not hesitate to use it on those who do wrong."

Police first became aware of Yeastwoman last week when an officer on patrol stumbled across one of Metropolis' most notorious arch-villains, the evil Professor Prostate, bound and gagged in the wharf district. Upon closer inspection, a single-use applicator of Monistat-7 was discovered near his side.

"We saw this as the 'calling card' of a new, powerful ally in our war on crime," Metropolis Chief of Police William Brautigan said. "Her bacterial brand of justice will spread quickly throughout the city."

Each day, more and more criminals are finding out about the formidable new crimefighter first-hand.

"I had just ripped a purse off some old lady's shoulder and was running down an alley when Yeastwoman caught up to me," said Jay DiFrenzi, a repeat offender now in police custody. "There was this burst of light, and suddenly it felt like my crotch was on fire. The burning sensation was too intense to fight."

At yesterday's press conference, Yeastwoman discussed the origin of her powers.

"One year ago, I agreed to participate in a top-secret government testing program for a new tampon containing the experimental absorbing agent Plutonium-235," she said. "But during one of the experiments, something went horribly wrong. There was an explosion, and before long, my discharge was 200 times more powerful than that of an average woman."

"I went to my gynecologist, Dr. Meyer, to have it checked out," she continued. "But when one vaginal twitch sent him crashing through the wall, I knew I had been transformed."

Ironically, the same gynecologist who attempted to cure Yeastwoman of her infection is now her worst enemy. After flying through the wall, Dr. Meyer smashed into a cart of toxic pap smear samples that were being disposed of. Horrifically disfigured by the accident, James Meyer is now Dr. Gynosaur, a stunted sociopath whose bodily functions are serviced by a gigantic metal speculum exoskeleton.

Dr. Gynosaur vowed to make destroying Yeastwoman his life's goal.

"Yeastwoman! I and my hordes of subhuman Smegmalons will ruin you, just as you ruined my once-beautiful face!" said Gynosaur at his own press conference. "Re-venge will be mine when you attempt to stop my assault on the Women's Health Center! Take a long look in the mirror, dear! One last look before I deform you with my speculum pincers!"

"Such evil cannot be faced alone," Yeastwoman said yesterday, responding to Gynosaur's statement. "That is why I have chosen a partner in my war against crime, Urinary Tract Infection Girl."

City officials have given Yeastwoman and Urinary Tract Infection Girl full rein in their crimefighting efforts.

Support has also come from local businesses like Bob Blastwick Ford, who donated a brand new '97 Taurus to serve as the Yeastmobile.

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