Radiohead Denies Influencing Local Band

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Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

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Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

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This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history

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LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

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ARIES: Some things only become funny when you look back on them years later. Conversely, the events of next week will seem funny at the time, but as the years go by, society will gain sensitivity and learn to outgrow that sort of thing.

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ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 18, 2015

ARIES: Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead.

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Leonardo DiCaprio Agrees To Donate It-Factor To Science

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How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

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Comic-Con Survival Guide

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ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

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Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Radiohead Denies Influencing Local Band

DAYTON, OH—Although they admit the Dayton-area group may have taken its name from a line in "Karma Police," the members of Radiohead held a press conference in Ohio Monday to dismiss allegations that they played any role in helping to form the musical style of local band Hitler Hairdo.

Radiohead members say they in no way contributed to the four songs Hitler Hairdo played in Paul's Bar.

Radiohead front man Thom Yorke told reporters in no uncertain terms that his band has never met the four high school students who compose Hitler Hairdo, and insisted the moody alt-rock songs they perform in local bars "could not possibly have been derived from [Radiohead's] subtle fusion of electronica, Krautrock, and experimental jazz."

"There is absolutely no evidence to support Hitler Hairdo's claim that listening to OK Computer for the first time changed the whole way they thought about music," said Yorke, flanked by the other members of Radiohead, producer Nigel Godrich, and the band's lawyers. "It's preposterous to think that, as genre-bending pioneers of post-punk techno-rock, we had anything to do with influencing this at-best average band. Anyone who's listened closely to their demo CD could tell you that."

Hitler Hairdo, whose MySpace page cites Radiohead as a "major influence," has been playing house parties and open-mic nights around the Dayton area for more than a year, but has yet to gain a substantial following. In "Bassist Needed" fliers distributed last month, the band describes itself as "a mix between Radiohead and Smashing Pumpkins, but primarily interested in the earlier guitar-driven sounds of Pablo Honey and The Bends."

Hitler Hairdo plays a song that in no way resembles the pristine melancholia of Radiohead's music.

"That's absolute shite," Yorke said when asked for a response. "The epochal, full-bodied shoegaziness of early Radiohead is completely absent from the sample tracks they put online, and where are the bracing yet approachable guitar patterns?"

"And just look at their stupid band photo," added Yorke. "Radiohead would never dress like that."

Though Yorke claimed the first three minutes of Hitler Hairdo's song "Death (Or High School)" are enough to prove the two ensembles are in no way affiliated, lead guitarist Jonny Greenwood said he wasn't so certain at first, and suggested his bandmates attend a live performance before passing judgment.

But after chartering a private jet from England to Ohio to watch a Hitler Hairdo show, the space-rock megastars became even more convinced that they could not have shaped any part of the band's songwriting ethos.

"They were less like us live than they were in their abysmal online demos, if that's even possible," Greenwood told reporters. "If that bridge in their fourth song was supposed to be an homage to the cold, esoteric sounds of Hail To The Thief, they missed the mark by a mile. We stayed for the whole thing, and I heard not one ethereal exploration of alienation and longing, no textured soundscapes or sparse, clanging percussion sequences evoking an abandoned playground in winter. Nothing."

Continued Greenwood, "Just because you use a vocoder doesn't make you Radiohead."

In a recent interview in Rolling Stone, Radiohead members categorically denied any involvement in any of Hitler Hairdo's seven released songs, and assured fans that the subpar band's two unfinished melodies have "no hope" of attaining the swelling brilliance of even the weakest track on In Rainbows.

"To be perfectly honest, I think they sound much more like Oasis," Yorke told the magazine. "Or maybe some shit pop band, like the Killers. Their only similarity to us is that they've made their music available for free online, and that hardly counts. After listening to every one of their songs and poring over all of their lyrics, I can say without hesitation that Radiohead has never influenced this band in any way, shape, or form."

When asked for comment, the band Coldplay—also listed by Hitler Hairdo as an influence—told reporters they were "very flattered" and "love those guys."

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