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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Rae Carruth Granted 1-Day Release To Film ‘This Is SportsCenter’ Commercial

CHARLOTTE, NC—A district judge granted former Carolina Panther and convicted murderer Rae Carruth a one-day release from his 24-year prison sentence Thursday to allow him to participate in the filming of a new “This Is SportsCenter” commercial in Bristol, CT. “I was fully prepared to dismiss the request sight unseen, but I allowed the counsel to explain the commercial and it actually sounds really funny,” said 9th district judge Harold Joyner, explaining the unprecedented release of Carruth, who arranged the murder of his pregnant girlfriend in 1999. “In the commercial, two SportsCenter anchors will be walking through the office and see Rae Carruth wearing an orange jumpsuit and picking up trash. They look confusedly at Rae, and he will shrug and say, ‘ESPN’s work-release program.’ See, pretty good, right?” This marks the second controversy surrounding an ESPN commercial in as many months, as earlier in March the network pulled an ad featuring Scott Van Pelt advising Mr. and Mrs. Met to consider an abortion.

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