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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.
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Rae Carruth Granted 1-Day Release To Film ‘This Is SportsCenter’ Commercial

CHARLOTTE, NC—A district judge granted former Carolina Panther and convicted murderer Rae Carruth a one-day release from his 24-year prison sentence Thursday to allow him to participate in the filming of a new “This Is SportsCenter” commercial in Bristol, CT. “I was fully prepared to dismiss the request sight unseen, but I allowed the counsel to explain the commercial and it actually sounds really funny,” said 9th district judge Harold Joyner, explaining the unprecedented release of Carruth, who arranged the murder of his pregnant girlfriend in 1999. “In the commercial, two SportsCenter anchors will be walking through the office and see Rae Carruth wearing an orange jumpsuit and picking up trash. They look confusedly at Rae, and he will shrug and say, ‘ESPN’s work-release program.’ See, pretty good, right?” This marks the second controversy surrounding an ESPN commercial in as many months, as earlier in March the network pulled an ad featuring Scott Van Pelt advising Mr. and Mrs. Met to consider an abortion.

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