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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Rae Carruth Granted 1-Day Release To Film ‘This Is SportsCenter’ Commercial

CHARLOTTE, NC—A district judge granted former Carolina Panther and convicted murderer Rae Carruth a one-day release from his 24-year prison sentence Thursday to allow him to participate in the filming of a new “This Is SportsCenter” commercial in Bristol, CT. “I was fully prepared to dismiss the request sight unseen, but I allowed the counsel to explain the commercial and it actually sounds really funny,” said 9th district judge Harold Joyner, explaining the unprecedented release of Carruth, who arranged the murder of his pregnant girlfriend in 1999. “In the commercial, two SportsCenter anchors will be walking through the office and see Rae Carruth wearing an orange jumpsuit and picking up trash. They look confusedly at Rae, and he will shrug and say, ‘ESPN’s work-release program.’ See, pretty good, right?” This marks the second controversy surrounding an ESPN commercial in as many months, as earlier in March the network pulled an ad featuring Scott Van Pelt advising Mr. and Mrs. Met to consider an abortion.

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