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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.
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Raid Introduces New Box To Cover Bug Until You Work Up Emotional Strength To Kill It

RACINE, WI—Touting the pest control product’s effectiveness at buying extra time for squeamish consumers, Raid introduced a new line of boxes for placing over bugs until you muster up the emotional strength to kill them, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Raid’s new Bug Containment Unit can be used to confine spiders, cockroaches, beetles, and other pests while you summon the courage to smash them with a shoe or rolled-up newspaper,” said S. C. Johnson & Son COO Salman Amin, explaining how the 10-by-14-inch cardboard box immobilizes the insect as you pace back and forth, cringing at the thought of how gross crushing it will be, or fretting about accidentally missing and allowing it to escape. “The unit keeps the bug secure as you cycle between building up the nerve to finally kill it and then chickening out over and over again. The box also provides you enough time to convince your roommates or spouse to deal with it instead.” Raid officials went on to confirm the box includes adhesive strips around its opening for those who would prefer to trap the bug and then leave it there indefinitely to suffocate or starve to death.

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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

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