MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
End Of Section
  • More News

Raiders Agree To Pay Fan Base $16 Billion In Relocation Expenses

OAKLAND, CA—In an effort to retain loyal supporters during the NFL franchise’s move to Las Vegas, officials from the Oakland Raiders organization announced Wednesday they had reached a deal to pay their fan base nearly $16 billion in relocation expenses. “As a demonstration of their value to this franchise, we have offered all our fans a generous compensation package for the costs associated with their transfer to Las Vegas,” said team president Marc Badain, adding that each of the team’s 52,000 season ticket holders and nearly 400,000 other qualifying residents of the Oakland area would receive up to $35,000 apiece for eligible expenses such as real estate commissions and closing costs, the hiring of movers, and expenditures incurred during their new job search. “We hope all our incredible hometown fans will take advantage of this funding to make the move as painless and hassle-free as possible. We sincerely look forward to Raider Nation joining us in Las Vegas.” Sources within the organization confirmed that the relocation package would be subsidized by a new amusement tax levied on those who remained in the city of Oakland.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.