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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Raiders Agree To Pay Fan Base $16 Billion In Relocation Expenses

OAKLAND, CA—In an effort to retain loyal supporters during the NFL franchise’s move to Las Vegas, officials from the Oakland Raiders organization announced Wednesday they had reached a deal to pay their fan base nearly $16 billion in relocation expenses. “As a demonstration of their value to this franchise, we have offered all our fans a generous compensation package for the costs associated with their transfer to Las Vegas,” said team president Marc Badain, adding that each of the team’s 52,000 season ticket holders and nearly 400,000 other qualifying residents of the Oakland area would receive up to $35,000 apiece for eligible expenses such as real estate commissions and closing costs, the hiring of movers, and expenditures incurred during their new job search. “We hope all our incredible hometown fans will take advantage of this funding to make the move as painless and hassle-free as possible. We sincerely look forward to Raider Nation joining us in Las Vegas.” Sources within the organization confirmed that the relocation package would be subsidized by a new amusement tax levied on those who remained in the city of Oakland.

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