Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Raiders Agree To Pay Fan Base $16 Billion In Relocation Expenses

OAKLAND, CA—In an effort to retain loyal supporters during the NFL franchise’s move to Las Vegas, officials from the Oakland Raiders organization announced Wednesday they had reached a deal to pay their fan base nearly $16 billion in relocation expenses. “As a demonstration of their value to this franchise, we have offered all our fans a generous compensation package for the costs associated with their transfer to Las Vegas,” said team president Marc Badain, adding that each of the team’s 52,000 season ticket holders and nearly 400,000 other qualifying residents of the Oakland area would receive up to $35,000 apiece for eligible expenses such as real estate commissions and closing costs, the hiring of movers, and expenditures incurred during their new job search. “We hope all our incredible hometown fans will take advantage of this funding to make the move as painless and hassle-free as possible. We sincerely look forward to Raider Nation joining us in Las Vegas.” Sources within the organization confirmed that the relocation package would be subsidized by a new amusement tax levied on those who remained in the city of Oakland.

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