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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Raiders Confident Some Dipshit Team Will Be Stupid Enough To Trade For Carson Palmer

OAKLAND, CA—Claiming that there are plenty of dumb-as-fuck NFL franchises, Raiders general manager Reggie McKenzie reportedly expressed confidence Wednesday that some dipshit team would be idiotic enough to trade for quarterback Carson Palmer. “Some fucking moronic team is definitely willing to waste draft picks on Palmer,” said McKenzie, adding that several stupid-ass teams interested in the “shitty” quarterback had already contacted the Raiders. “I’m pretty sure the dimwitted chumps running the Cardinals are willing to foolishly throw away second- or third-round draft picks and maybe even a Pro Bowl player for our half-ass QB.” At press time, McKenzie confirmed that numerous stupid shit NFL franchises were involved in a fucking dumbass bidding war for Carson Palmer.

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