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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Raiders Confident Some Dipshit Team Will Be Stupid Enough To Trade For Carson Palmer

OAKLAND, CA—Claiming that there are plenty of dumb-as-fuck NFL franchises, Raiders general manager Reggie McKenzie reportedly expressed confidence Wednesday that some dipshit team would be idiotic enough to trade for quarterback Carson Palmer. “Some fucking moronic team is definitely willing to waste draft picks on Palmer,” said McKenzie, adding that several stupid-ass teams interested in the “shitty” quarterback had already contacted the Raiders. “I’m pretty sure the dimwitted chumps running the Cardinals are willing to foolishly throw away second- or third-round draft picks and maybe even a Pro Bowl player for our half-ass QB.” At press time, McKenzie confirmed that numerous stupid shit NFL franchises were involved in a fucking dumbass bidding war for Carson Palmer.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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