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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Raiders Confident Some Dipshit Team Will Be Stupid Enough To Trade For Carson Palmer

OAKLAND, CA—Claiming that there are plenty of dumb-as-fuck NFL franchises, Raiders general manager Reggie McKenzie reportedly expressed confidence Wednesday that some dipshit team would be idiotic enough to trade for quarterback Carson Palmer. “Some fucking moronic team is definitely willing to waste draft picks on Palmer,” said McKenzie, adding that several stupid-ass teams interested in the “shitty” quarterback had already contacted the Raiders. “I’m pretty sure the dimwitted chumps running the Cardinals are willing to foolishly throw away second- or third-round draft picks and maybe even a Pro Bowl player for our half-ass QB.” At press time, McKenzie confirmed that numerous stupid shit NFL franchises were involved in a fucking dumbass bidding war for Carson Palmer.

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