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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Raiders Excited About Prospect Of Signing Free Agent JaMarcus Russell

OAKLAND, CA—Raiders owner Al Davis enthusiastically praised free agent quarterback JaMarcus Russell at a press conference Thursday, calling the first overall pick in the 2007 draft an exciting playmaker and a perfect fit for the team's offense. "Obviously JaMarcus Russell has had some troubles on and off the field, but I've seen nothing that indicates he couldn't find a home with the Raiders and reinvigorate his career," Davis said. "We'd be extremely fortunate to acquire a quarterback like Russell, a player who can beat you with his arm or his feet, to help us overcome our recent disappointments at that position." Davis told reporters that the Raiders were currently negotiating a deal with Russell that included more than $22 million in guaranteed bail money.

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