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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Rain Told To Go Away In 1986 Returns

ADAIR, IA—A rainstorm that in August 1986 was told to "go away" and advised to come again another day returned Monday, soaking the downtown Adair area for much of the afternoon. Thirty-one-year-old investment banker Art Rosenblatt, who issued the request 22 years ago, when he went by the nickname Little Arthur, was among the first to recognize the weather system. "I suppose this was part of the agreement," Rosenblatt said. Later that day, at the behest of Adair resident Little Johnny, 8, the rain once again dissipated. It is expected to return in 2052 as a Category 5 hurricane.

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