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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Rajon Rondo: 'I Have Too Many Father Figures On This Team'

BOSTON—At a press conference last week discussing his suspension for bumping a referee, Celtics guard Rajon Rondo blamed his conduct on having "too many role models and people to look up to" on the team to get a coherent idea of how he should act. "I had three different aging superstars, plus a coach who once played and has sons my age, giving me four different lectures about the bump," said Rondo, adding that he once tried to carry himself like Kevin Garnett, only to have all his other father figures tell him that is not how a professional should act. "I do act out from time to time, but I have no young teammates to compare my conduct to. Sometimes I wonder if these guys sort of need me to cause problems, because without me, they would have nobody to mentor." Rondo said he has talked to Celtics general manager Danny Ainge about adding a young player to the roster so he can have somebody his own age to play with, but Ainge just told him a story about asking the same thing of the Celtics GM when he was a player.

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