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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Rams Take First Down Off To Enjoy The Beautiful Field Position

ST. LOUIS—With the ball on their opponent's 45-yard line last Sunday, the Rams allowed the game clock to expire during first down so they could take in the unusual sight of their rich, beautiful field position. "Wow, it’s gorgeous around here," running back Steven Jackson said while running his hands through the artificial turf and inhaling deeply. "It’s a shame we hardly ever get this far. Just look at the view—you can almost see the other end zone from here! I really wish we got to do this more often." According to sources, the team was so excited they took second and third down off as well, evidently just choosing to lie down and relax.

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