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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Rams Take First Down Off To Enjoy The Beautiful Field Position

ST. LOUIS—With the ball on their opponent's 45-yard line last Sunday, the Rams allowed the game clock to expire during first down so they could take in the unusual sight of their rich, beautiful field position. "Wow, it’s gorgeous around here," running back Steven Jackson said while running his hands through the artificial turf and inhaling deeply. "It’s a shame we hardly ever get this far. Just look at the view—you can almost see the other end zone from here! I really wish we got to do this more often." According to sources, the team was so excited they took second and third down off as well, evidently just choosing to lie down and relax.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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