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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Rangers Counting On Henrik Lundqvist To Step Up On Offense

NEW YORK—Speaking to reporters Wednesday ahead of the Stanley Cup Finals, New York Rangers head coach Alain Vigneault confirmed that veteran goaltender Henrik Lundqvist will need to really step up on offense if the team is to beat the Kings and secure their first championship in two decades. “Henrik is obviously a huge reason we’ve made it this far, but we all know he’ll have to come up big and score some goals if we’re going to stand any chance of beating the Kings,” said Vigneault, stressing that the 32-year-old goaltender will be under considerable pressure to spark the team’s otherwise disappointing power play. “There’s no question that we’re counting on him to create assists and put shots on net. Henrik is our best chance to generate some offense, so if he can’t be a potent goalscoring threat, I don’t know if we can win this series.” Vigneault added that if the team is trailing late in the third period, he will not hesitate to have an empty net and put on backup goalie Cam Talbot in a last-ditch attempt to score an equalizer.

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