Rangers Counting On Henrik Lundqvist To Step Up On Offense

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Vol 50 Issue 22

Shitty Museum Doesn’t Even Have A Mona Lisa

BOSTON—Sighing in exasperation as he walked out of yet another exhibit, appalled tourist Tom Bellarico confirmed to reporters Monday that the Boston Museum of Fine Arts is so irredeemably shitty that it does not even have a Mona Lisa.

Taco Bell Adds ‘Quesarito’ To Official Menu

After testing out a new menu item called the quesarito in Oklahoma City to much success, Taco Bell has decided to add the new creation, a beef burrito tucked inside a cheese quesadilla, to its official menu.

Mom’s Quirky Friend Turns Out To Be Joakim Noah

CHICAGO—Saying the lively but awkward stranger had long been something of a mystery, local teen Eric Hewer told reporters Thursday that he recently learned his mother’s quirky friend is in fact Chicago Bulls center Joakim Noah.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Rangers Counting On Henrik Lundqvist To Step Up On Offense

NEW YORK—Speaking to reporters Wednesday ahead of the Stanley Cup Finals, New York Rangers head coach Alain Vigneault confirmed that veteran goaltender Henrik Lundqvist will need to really step up on offense if the team is to beat the Kings and secure their first championship in two decades. “Henrik is obviously a huge reason we’ve made it this far, but we all know he’ll have to come up big and score some goals if we’re going to stand any chance of beating the Kings,” said Vigneault, stressing that the 32-year-old goaltender will be under considerable pressure to spark the team’s otherwise disappointing power play. “There’s no question that we’re counting on him to create assists and put shots on net. Henrik is our best chance to generate some offense, so if he can’t be a potent goalscoring threat, I don’t know if we can win this series.” Vigneault added that if the team is trailing late in the third period, he will not hesitate to have an empty net and put on backup goalie Cam Talbot in a last-ditch attempt to score an equalizer.

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