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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Rangers Counting On Henrik Lundqvist To Step Up On Offense

NEW YORK—Speaking to reporters Wednesday ahead of the Stanley Cup Finals, New York Rangers head coach Alain Vigneault confirmed that veteran goaltender Henrik Lundqvist will need to really step up on offense if the team is to beat the Kings and secure their first championship in two decades. “Henrik is obviously a huge reason we’ve made it this far, but we all know he’ll have to come up big and score some goals if we’re going to stand any chance of beating the Kings,” said Vigneault, stressing that the 32-year-old goaltender will be under considerable pressure to spark the team’s otherwise disappointing power play. “There’s no question that we’re counting on him to create assists and put shots on net. Henrik is our best chance to generate some offense, so if he can’t be a potent goalscoring threat, I don’t know if we can win this series.” Vigneault added that if the team is trailing late in the third period, he will not hesitate to have an empty net and put on backup goalie Cam Talbot in a last-ditch attempt to score an equalizer.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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