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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage. Trump’s inflammatory comments have reportedly prompted NBC to drop the event from its schedule and sparked a number of debates regarding decency and propriety, none of which were said to include placing women onstage and assigning them a number corresponding to their physical appearance. Sources went on to note that lining up 50 bikini-clad women so that millions of viewers could scrutinize their bodies and make their own ratings that they could then compare to the scores of the official judges was, for some reason, completely absent in the recent controversy, which instead focused wholly on whether the spectacle should be shown on a major broadcast network. Sources later confirmed that the pageant will now air on independent cable channel Reelz, which has declared its intention to preserve what is, evidently, an entirely unalarming American tradition.


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