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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Rape Investigation Finds Star College Quarterback Has Got The Goods

‘He Can Make All The Throws And Has A Cannon For An Arm,’ Confirms Sexual Assault Inquiry

ROANOKE, VA—Following a full investigation into allegations of sexual assault at an on-campus dormitory, the Roanoke County Police Department announced Thursday that a star Virginia Methodist University football player accused of rape has definitely got the goods to be an elite NFL quarterback. “Our investigation focused on a single male rape suspect, who, at 6’3” and 225 pounds, possesses the ideal frame to stand tall in the pocket and deliver an absolute strike,” Chief of Police Joseph Lumpkin told reporters at a press conference, adding that, after interviewing multiple eyewitnesses and evaluating all of the physical evidence, it was indisputable to detectives that the All-American gunslinger has ice water running through his veins and is capable of putting the ball where only his receiver can get it. “After piecing together all of the available information, we can now confidently say that the suspect isn’t afraid to take a hit while waiting to air out the deep ball, and all the facts are conclusive in showing that he does indeed have the quickest delivery in the conference. This young man is, without a doubt, the one who can put his team on his back and take them all the way.” Lumpkin confirmed that his department will immediately turn its findings over to the district attorney, who is expected to be considerably impressed by the suspect’s ability to make plays with his feet in the face of blitzing pass rushers.

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