Rape Investigation Finds Star College Quarterback Has Got The Goods

In This Section

Vol 50 Issue 29

Grandpa Looking Absolutely Precious In New Baseball Cap

A new report finds climate change skeptics could reach catastrophic levels by 2020, the nation’s gratuitously sexual couples announce plans to wait in line at Six Flags, and a local grandpa looks absolutely precious in his new baseball cap.

Tips For Choosing A Good Babysitter

More mothers and fathers today are working full-time while raising kids, which means parents are increasingly turning to babysitters and nannies to care for their children at home.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comedy

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Rape Investigation Finds Star College Quarterback Has Got The Goods

‘He Can Make All The Throws And Has A Cannon For An Arm,’ Confirms Sexual Assault Inquiry

ROANOKE, VA—Following a full investigation into allegations of sexual assault at an on-campus dormitory, the Roanoke County Police Department announced Thursday that a star Virginia Methodist University football player accused of rape has definitely got the goods to be an elite NFL quarterback. “Our investigation focused on a single male rape suspect, who, at 6’3” and 225 pounds, possesses the ideal frame to stand tall in the pocket and deliver an absolute strike,” Chief of Police Joseph Lumpkin told reporters at a press conference, adding that, after interviewing multiple eyewitnesses and evaluating all of the physical evidence, it was indisputable to detectives that the All-American gunslinger has ice water running through his veins and is capable of putting the ball where only his receiver can get it. “After piecing together all of the available information, we can now confidently say that the suspect isn’t afraid to take a hit while waiting to air out the deep ball, and all the facts are conclusive in showing that he does indeed have the quickest delivery in the conference. This young man is, without a doubt, the one who can put his team on his back and take them all the way.” Lumpkin confirmed that his department will immediately turn its findings over to the district attorney, who is expected to be considerably impressed by the suspect’s ability to make plays with his feet in the face of blitzing pass rushers.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More