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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Rape Investigation Finds Star College Quarterback Has Got The Goods

‘He Can Make All The Throws And Has A Cannon For An Arm,’ Confirms Sexual Assault Inquiry

ROANOKE, VA—Following a full investigation into allegations of sexual assault at an on-campus dormitory, the Roanoke County Police Department announced Thursday that a star Virginia Methodist University football player accused of rape has definitely got the goods to be an elite NFL quarterback. “Our investigation focused on a single male rape suspect, who, at 6’3” and 225 pounds, possesses the ideal frame to stand tall in the pocket and deliver an absolute strike,” Chief of Police Joseph Lumpkin told reporters at a press conference, adding that, after interviewing multiple eyewitnesses and evaluating all of the physical evidence, it was indisputable to detectives that the All-American gunslinger has ice water running through his veins and is capable of putting the ball where only his receiver can get it. “After piecing together all of the available information, we can now confidently say that the suspect isn’t afraid to take a hit while waiting to air out the deep ball, and all the facts are conclusive in showing that he does indeed have the quickest delivery in the conference. This young man is, without a doubt, the one who can put his team on his back and take them all the way.” Lumpkin confirmed that his department will immediately turn its findings over to the district attorney, who is expected to be considerably impressed by the suspect’s ability to make plays with his feet in the face of blitzing pass rushers.

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