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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Rape Investigation Finds Star College Quarterback Has Got The Goods

‘He Can Make All The Throws And Has A Cannon For An Arm,’ Confirms Sexual Assault Inquiry

ROANOKE, VA—Following a full investigation into allegations of sexual assault at an on-campus dormitory, the Roanoke County Police Department announced Thursday that a star Virginia Methodist University football player accused of rape has definitely got the goods to be an elite NFL quarterback. “Our investigation focused on a single male rape suspect, who, at 6’3” and 225 pounds, possesses the ideal frame to stand tall in the pocket and deliver an absolute strike,” Chief of Police Joseph Lumpkin told reporters at a press conference, adding that, after interviewing multiple eyewitnesses and evaluating all of the physical evidence, it was indisputable to detectives that the All-American gunslinger has ice water running through his veins and is capable of putting the ball where only his receiver can get it. “After piecing together all of the available information, we can now confidently say that the suspect isn’t afraid to take a hit while waiting to air out the deep ball, and all the facts are conclusive in showing that he does indeed have the quickest delivery in the conference. This young man is, without a doubt, the one who can put his team on his back and take them all the way.” Lumpkin confirmed that his department will immediately turn its findings over to the district attorney, who is expected to be considerably impressed by the suspect’s ability to make plays with his feet in the face of blitzing pass rushers.

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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