adBlockCheck

Raptors Ask Cavaliers To Come Over And Play At Their Stadium Instead

Top Headlines

After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

The act of co-sleeping, where babies and toddlers share a “family bed” with their parents, is a rising trend in the United States, though the practice is contested by those who doubt its purported benefits. Here are the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your child

The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Raptors Ask Cavaliers To Come Over And Play At Their Stadium Instead

TORONTO—In an attempt to more favorably arrange his team's schedule for the next week, Raptors forward Chris Bosh called fellow NBA player LeBron James to see if James' Cavaliers would come over and play in Toronto instead of holding the scheduled game "all the way out there in Cleveland." "It just seems like every time our teams match up, we always go to your place," said Bosh, responding to James' insistence that it was in fact Cleveland's turn to host. "C'mon, you know we never have any fun there, and plus our locker rooms are way cooler." Both players agreed that, whatever they decided, nobody ever wanted to have another game at the Fedex Forum in Memphis, which is "way creepy" due to all the cats, the moldy stacks of newspapers, and the way Grizzlies'  owner Michael Heisley spends the game sitting in a rocking chair in the luxury box wearing only sweatpants and holding his shotgun.

After Birth Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close