After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Raptors Ask Cavaliers To Come Over And Play At Their Stadium Instead

TORONTO—In an attempt to more favorably arrange his team's schedule for the next week, Raptors forward Chris Bosh called fellow NBA player LeBron James to see if James' Cavaliers would come over and play in Toronto instead of holding the scheduled game "all the way out there in Cleveland." "It just seems like every time our teams match up, we always go to your place," said Bosh, responding to James' insistence that it was in fact Cleveland's turn to host. "C'mon, you know we never have any fun there, and plus our locker rooms are way cooler." Both players agreed that, whatever they decided, nobody ever wanted to have another game at the Fedex Forum in Memphis, which is "way creepy" due to all the cats, the moldy stacks of newspapers, and the way Grizzlies'  owner Michael Heisley spends the game sitting in a rocking chair in the luxury box wearing only sweatpants and holding his shotgun.

After Birth

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