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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Rare Autographed Portrait Of Jesus Purchased At Estate Sale

STROUDSBURG, PA—An oil portrait of Jesus Christ bearing what turned out to be a rare autograph of the Son of God was purchased for $65 at an estate sale last weekend, religious relic experts said Tuesday. "Careful examination of the signature's authentic Aramaic cursive loop on the 'J' and 'C,' plus the distinctive early-A.D. touch of underlining the name and adding a couple of jaunty diagonal dashes, confirms that it is indeed genuine," collectibles appraiser Mike Shankman told reporters, describing the signed message that reads "Gary, best of luck!" "These are actually a lot rarer than you'd think. What a great find." As of press time, one Greek Orthodox antiquarian had offered a conflicting appraisal, saying that while the signature was definitely that of Christ, the Savior may have been amusing Himself by autographing a painting of singer/ actor Kris Kristofferson.

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