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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Rare Autographed Portrait Of Jesus Purchased At Estate Sale

STROUDSBURG, PA—An oil portrait of Jesus Christ bearing what turned out to be a rare autograph of the Son of God was purchased for $65 at an estate sale last weekend, religious relic experts said Tuesday. "Careful examination of the signature's authentic Aramaic cursive loop on the 'J' and 'C,' plus the distinctive early-A.D. touch of underlining the name and adding a couple of jaunty diagonal dashes, confirms that it is indeed genuine," collectibles appraiser Mike Shankman told reporters, describing the signed message that reads "Gary, best of luck!" "These are actually a lot rarer than you'd think. What a great find." As of press time, one Greek Orthodox antiquarian had offered a conflicting appraisal, saying that while the signature was definitely that of Christ, the Savior may have been amusing Himself by autographing a painting of singer/ actor Kris Kristofferson.

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