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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Rare Autographed Portrait Of Jesus Purchased At Estate Sale

STROUDSBURG, PA—An oil portrait of Jesus Christ bearing what turned out to be a rare autograph of the Son of God was purchased for $65 at an estate sale last weekend, religious relic experts said Tuesday. "Careful examination of the signature's authentic Aramaic cursive loop on the 'J' and 'C,' plus the distinctive early-A.D. touch of underlining the name and adding a couple of jaunty diagonal dashes, confirms that it is indeed genuine," collectibles appraiser Mike Shankman told reporters, describing the signed message that reads "Gary, best of luck!" "These are actually a lot rarer than you'd think. What a great find." As of press time, one Greek Orthodox antiquarian had offered a conflicting appraisal, saying that while the signature was definitely that of Christ, the Savior may have been amusing Himself by autographing a painting of singer/ actor Kris Kristofferson.

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