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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Rare Species Of Frog May Hold Cure To...Ah, Never Mind, It's Extinct

MANASSAS, VA—According to a study published Monday in The Journal Of Experimental Biology, a rare species of tree frog found only in a small section of the Amazon rainforest may give hope to millions suffering from…oh, wait, forget it. It's extinct. "A biochemical compound present solely in this species could be used to create an inexpensive, readily available medication that will all but eliminate the devastating…wait, what?" said Dr. Prianka Chadha, a research biologist at George Mason University and lead author of the likely Nobel Prize–winning…well, probably not now. "Really? All of them? Shit." Chadha urged the public not to lose hope, because her research team is prepared to clone the gene responsible for the frog's curative…oops, scratch that. They just had their funding pulled.

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