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What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Contents Of The Voyager Golden Record

Forty years ago this week, NASA launched Voyager 2, which carries a gold-plated record featuring pictures and sounds from Earth as well as scientific information, all of which was carefully compiled in anticipation of a possible extraterrestrial encounter. Here are the contents of the record:
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Rare Species Of Frog May Hold Cure To...Ah, Never Mind, It's Extinct

MANASSAS, VA—According to a study published Monday in The Journal Of Experimental Biology, a rare species of tree frog found only in a small section of the Amazon rainforest may give hope to millions suffering from…oh, wait, forget it. It's extinct. "A biochemical compound present solely in this species could be used to create an inexpensive, readily available medication that will all but eliminate the devastating…wait, what?" said Dr. Prianka Chadha, a research biologist at George Mason University and lead author of the likely Nobel Prize–winning…well, probably not now. "Really? All of them? Shit." Chadha urged the public not to lose hope, because her research team is prepared to clone the gene responsible for the frog's curative…oops, scratch that. They just had their funding pulled.

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