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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Rash Of High-Speed Chases Threatens Local Fruit Stand

LOS ANGELES–A rash of high-speed chases in downtown L.A. is threatening the livelihood of local fruit vendor Dave Rostand. "Every week, as many as 10 high-speed auto chases, either comical or dramatic in nature, come roaring past my corner, sending my cardboard-box-mounted pyramid of oranges flying in all directions," Rostand, who estimates he has had to rebuild his fruit stand 50 times, told members of the Los Angeles Chamber of Commerce Monday. "If these chases are not curtailed, I will have no choice but to declare bankruptcy and take up work as a sheet-glass courier."

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