adBlockCheck

Sports

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Rasheed Wallace Has Greatest Dream Where He Uses Headband As Basketball Slingshot And Scores A Million Points

DETROIT—Pistons forward Rasheed Wallace awoke from the greatest dream Monday morning, in which he was in an NBA game, and he took off his headband and started using it as a slingshot, and everyone kept passing him the ball, but the balls were smaller than usual, or maybe his headband was bigger, and he kept slinging the balls into the hoop from a hundred feet away and he scored a million billion points, Wallace reported Monday. "I remember I was playing against the Celtics—except Paul Pierce, like, became Allen Iverson somehow, and my father was on their team for some reason—and my headband stretched across the whole court, and when I shot the balls from it, they all automatically went in, and then the floor started glowing," Wallace explained to reporters. "Also, I figured out this thing called the backwards dunk, where you dunk through the bottom of the rim, and the refs give you a thousand points for figuring out the secret. Oh, and the court was my house." Wallace said he cannot wait to try using his headband as a slingshot in a real game.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close