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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Rat-Shit-Covered Physicians Baffled By Spread Of Black Plague

"Would that the solution to this suffering were as plain to see as the rat feces in my hair," wrote one physician.
"Would that the solution to this suffering were as plain to see as the rat feces in my hair," wrote one physician.

According to recently discovered journals, the 14th century's rat-feces-smeared men of science were at a total loss to explain how the Black Death was able to spread so quickly across Europe.

The rodent-gnawed documents, which were recovered by historians from various filthy sites in England and France, provide scholars with a unique glimpse into just how utterly perplexed rat-shit-soiled physicians were by the plague's rapid dissemination.

"Verily, as I brush'd a thin layer of vermin dung from my eyes to espy with clearer gaze, I saw to my amazement that our entire village had somehow run afoul of this vile and horrendous pox," doctor of physick Osbert Langley of Gloucester wrote in a journal entry dated Mar. 19, 1349. "I ran immediately home, swept the festering rats from my laboratory table, and set about devising an elixir of perry and gillyflowers to help combat whatever could possibly be causing this devilish epidemick."

Despite the 14th-century healers' attempts to link the Black Death's spread to either the alignment of the stars, God's anger, or the poisoning of wells by Jews, they never deduced within the excrement-stained pages of their journals the exact origin of the disease.

"The people of our hamlet were once plentyfull," physician Guillaume Faicheur of Marseilles wrote on Oct. 23, 1348. "As plentyfull as the droves of rodents that scurry about our streets and homes. But now we are hedg'd on all sides by the sick and the dying, and surely some unknown, diseas'd element is to blame. Any fool can see that. It is as plain as the fleas in the feculent water we drink, of which there are so very, very many."

A number of entries from late 1350 show that, as a final resort, the learned men of Europe planned to import thousands of rats from Asia Minor in an attempt to frighten the plague away.

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