Rate Of Uninformed Conversations About Navy SEALs Skyrockets

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Vol 47 Issue 19

Nation Wrestling With Notion Of Mark Cuban Winning NBA Title

DALLAS—Within hours of the Mavericks sweeping the Lakers Sunday to advance to the NBA Western Conference Finals, basketball fans across the United States began preparing themselves for the very real possibility of outspoken libertarian and tech bill...

Career Highlights Of Phil Jackson

Thirteen-time NBA champion Phil Jackson, the man who most thoroughly embodies the idea of the basketball guru, is saying he’ll hang it up now that his Lakers have been eliminated from the playoffs.

Bronx Zoo Loses Peacock

Following a high-profile cobra escape earlier this year, the world-famous Bronx Zoo had a peacock go missing this week.

Area Man Has Some Pretty Shitty Mob Ties

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Despite local contractor Danny Polazza's frequent claims that "he knows a few guys," friends confirmed Monday that the 42-year-old's ties to the Mafia are actually pretty shitty.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

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Rate Of Uninformed Conversations About Navy SEALs Skyrockets

WASHINGTON—The frequency and detail of uninformed conversations about the required strength, agility, and killing abilities of the Navy SEALs has increased exponentially since the SEAL-led operation to kill Osama bin Laden, Pentagon officials told reporters Monday. “Since last week, the number of people who have incorrectly stated that all SEAL members must do 300 pull-ups in a minute, earn advanced calculus degrees from MIT, and be able to hold their breath underwater for an hour, has been extraordinarily high,” said Pentagon press secretary Geoff Morrell, adding that the comment, “I heard you need to be able shoot a quarter from a mile away after running for four hours straight,” has been idiotically uttered in more than 65 percent of discussions related to the military operation. “Just to set the record straight: Navy SEALs are allowed to talk to their families. Ninety percent of them do not die during training. And members of SEAL Team Six did not have to fight and kill a tiger shark in order to be admitted.” Morrell added that current enlistment numbers couldn’t possibly account for the number of Americans claiming they have an uncle in the Navy SEALs.

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