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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Ratings Low For NPR Morning Zoo Crew

WASHINGTON, DC–National Public Radio officials are blaming "inadequate listener support" for the low ratings plaguing the two-month-old NPR Morning Zoo Crew Show. "For some reason, radio listeners have not responded to the zany antics of NPR Zookeepers Alex Chadwick, Jean Cochran and Bob Edwards, whose outrageous pranks have included phoning Harper's editor Lewis Lapham at 6 a.m. and telling him that there's a new collection of Nicholson Baker short stories due out in the fall," NPR programming director James Orbach said. "Then there was the time the Zookeepers actually had Saul Bellow convinced that he'd won the Booker Prize." The NPR Zoo Crew has also gained notoriety for its wacky song parodies, such as a reworked "Prelude In C-Sharp Minor" by Rachmaninoff with lyrics spoofing Noam Chomsky's recent speech before the National Book Club.

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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