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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Ratings Low For NPR Morning Zoo Crew

WASHINGTON, DC–National Public Radio officials are blaming "inadequate listener support" for the low ratings plaguing the two-month-old NPR Morning Zoo Crew Show. "For some reason, radio listeners have not responded to the zany antics of NPR Zookeepers Alex Chadwick, Jean Cochran and Bob Edwards, whose outrageous pranks have included phoning Harper's editor Lewis Lapham at 6 a.m. and telling him that there's a new collection of Nicholson Baker short stories due out in the fall," NPR programming director James Orbach said. "Then there was the time the Zookeepers actually had Saul Bellow convinced that he'd won the Booker Prize." The NPR Zoo Crew has also gained notoriety for its wacky song parodies, such as a reworked "Prelude In C-Sharp Minor" by Rachmaninoff with lyrics spoofing Noam Chomsky's recent speech before the National Book Club.

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