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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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'Ravaged' Named Florida's Official State Adjective

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Governor Jeb Bush announced Monday that Florida has adopted the word "ravaged" as its official state adjective. "In the past decade, parts of Florida have been ravaged by hurricanes, political controversy, infestation, poverty, and crime," Bush said in a press conference. "What better way to describe the state than with the word 'ravaged'?" "Ravaged" beat out such popular contenders as "muggy," "graying," and "tourist-clogged."

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