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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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'Ravaged' Named Florida's Official State Adjective

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Governor Jeb Bush announced Monday that Florida has adopted the word "ravaged" as its official state adjective. "In the past decade, parts of Florida have been ravaged by hurricanes, political controversy, infestation, poverty, and crime," Bush said in a press conference. "What better way to describe the state than with the word 'ravaged'?" "Ravaged" beat out such popular contenders as "muggy," "graying," and "tourist-clogged."

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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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