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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Ravens Already Dreading Ray Lewis Constantly Being On Sideline For Rest Of Season

HOUSTON—With Ray Lewis on injured reserve after suffering a torn triceps, Baltimore Ravens players and coaches confirmed Sunday that they were dreading the loud, outspoken linebacker’s constant presence on the sideline for the rest of the season. “Oh, God, that’s going to be so awful when he’s around all the time,” said Ravens head coach John Harbaugh, adding that it made him cringe to think of Lewis incessantly screaming criticism, support, and advice at everyone on the sideline. “Knowing Ray, he’ll be shouting nonstop and never shut the hell up. I like it when he’s on the field, because then you get a nice break from him.” At press time, a group of Ravens players had reportedly gathered to pray for Ray Lewis to die.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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