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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Ravens Coach Shows Movie About Michael Oher To Inspire Michael Oher

BALTIMORE—In an attempt to energize starting tackle Michael Oher for last Sunday's game against the Pittsburgh Steelers, Ravens head coach John Harbaugh screened a copy of the inspirational sports movie The Blind Side, a film about the life of Ravens tackle Michael Oher. "If this big dumb guy in the movie can do it, then you can do it, too," Harbaugh said to rookie lineman Michael Oher while point to an on-screen image of rookie lineman Michael Oher. "This man didn't choose his lot in life. But his problems were at least as big as yours, and he put in the hard work and dedication it took to get picked in the first round of the 2009 NFL Draft by the Baltimore Ravens. Doesn't that inspire you?" When asked about being forced to watch the story of his own life, Oher said he didn't remember his formative years being so emotionally overwrought and rife with clichés.

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