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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Ravens Coach Shows Movie About Michael Oher To Inspire Michael Oher

BALTIMORE—In an attempt to energize starting tackle Michael Oher for last Sunday's game against the Pittsburgh Steelers, Ravens head coach John Harbaugh screened a copy of the inspirational sports movie The Blind Side, a film about the life of Ravens tackle Michael Oher. "If this big dumb guy in the movie can do it, then you can do it, too," Harbaugh said to rookie lineman Michael Oher while point to an on-screen image of rookie lineman Michael Oher. "This man didn't choose his lot in life. But his problems were at least as big as yours, and he put in the hard work and dedication it took to get picked in the first round of the 2009 NFL Draft by the Baltimore Ravens. Doesn't that inspire you?" When asked about being forced to watch the story of his own life, Oher said he didn't remember his formative years being so emotionally overwrought and rife with clichés.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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