adBlockCheck

Sports

Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Ravens Win Best Team At 2013 Super Bowl Awards

NEW ORLEANS—In a star-studded gala hosted by James Brown, the Baltimore Ravens were honored for their distinctive achievement in the football industry Sunday, winning Best Team at the 2013 Super Bowl Awards. “It’s really so incredible to take home the Lombardi for Best Team,” said tearful Ravens head coach John Harbaugh, who also received the Best Original Score award for “34,” and Best Adapted Screen Play based on a 1999 pass by Andy Reid. “I want to thank everyone involved in making this team, the other nominees, as well as the voters at the Academy of Football Arts and Sciences.” Though the Ravens won 14 different awards, including Best Hair and Makeup for linebacker Ray Lewis, the 49ers Alex Smith was also honored with Best Actor in a Supporting Role for his disturbing and gut-wrenching portrayal of San Francisco backup quarterback Alex Smith.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close