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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Ray-Ban A Little Unsure Public Can Pull Off 2012 Series Of Sunglasses

ROCHESTER, NY—Premium eyewear manufacturer Ray-Ban confirmed Monday it has "some very real doubts" about whether its summer 2012 line of sunglasses is something American consumers will be able to pull off. "It's a tricky look, not everyone can make it work, and even those with enough confidence to make a serious attempt usually end up looking like they're just trying too hard,” said company spokesperson Vincent DeSoto, who acknowledged that marketing research indicates Americans wearing Ray-Ban aviator shades are 24 percent more likely to be perceived by their peers as assholes. "The truth of the matter is, Americans don't have the face for it this summer, and unless you have exceptional cheekbones, we recommend you just leave your Ray-Bans hanging from your shirt collar without actually putting them on.” Officials added that even if the glasses look ridiculous on Americans, this summer's Ray-Bans will still have a big logo on the lens so that everyone knows all the wearers are in some kind of special fucking club or something.

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