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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Ray-Ban A Little Unsure Public Can Pull Off 2012 Series Of Sunglasses

ROCHESTER, NY—Premium eyewear manufacturer Ray-Ban confirmed Monday it has "some very real doubts" about whether its summer 2012 line of sunglasses is something American consumers will be able to pull off. "It's a tricky look, not everyone can make it work, and even those with enough confidence to make a serious attempt usually end up looking like they're just trying too hard,” said company spokesperson Vincent DeSoto, who acknowledged that marketing research indicates Americans wearing Ray-Ban aviator shades are 24 percent more likely to be perceived by their peers as assholes. "The truth of the matter is, Americans don't have the face for it this summer, and unless you have exceptional cheekbones, we recommend you just leave your Ray-Bans hanging from your shirt collar without actually putting them on.” Officials added that even if the glasses look ridiculous on Americans, this summer's Ray-Bans will still have a big logo on the lens so that everyone knows all the wearers are in some kind of special fucking club or something.

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