adBlockCheck

Recent News

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Ray-Ban A Little Unsure Public Can Pull Off 2012 Series Of Sunglasses

ROCHESTER, NY—Premium eyewear manufacturer Ray-Ban confirmed Monday it has "some very real doubts" about whether its summer 2012 line of sunglasses is something American consumers will be able to pull off. "It's a tricky look, not everyone can make it work, and even those with enough confidence to make a serious attempt usually end up looking like they're just trying too hard,” said company spokesperson Vincent DeSoto, who acknowledged that marketing research indicates Americans wearing Ray-Ban aviator shades are 24 percent more likely to be perceived by their peers as assholes. "The truth of the matter is, Americans don't have the face for it this summer, and unless you have exceptional cheekbones, we recommend you just leave your Ray-Bans hanging from your shirt collar without actually putting them on.” Officials added that even if the glasses look ridiculous on Americans, this summer's Ray-Bans will still have a big logo on the lens so that everyone knows all the wearers are in some kind of special fucking club or something.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close