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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Ray LaHood Resigns Following Mysterious Disappearance Of Country Road

WASHINGTON—Secretary of Transportation Ray LaHood announced his resignation from the Obama Administration earlier this morning following his alleged involvement in the recent disappearance of U.S. Route 13. “Given his ongoing role in the investigation regarding last week’s sudden disappearance of this road, Mr. LaHood believes it is best that he step down from his position as Transport Secretary,” said LaHood’s spokesperson Jeffrey Graves, speaking to reporters after newly released photos showed the 67-year-old government official with the road just hours prior to when morning rush hour commuters discovered it was missing. “We also want to assure the public that Mr. LaHood is fully cooperating with investigators and has agreed to do whatever he can to ensure the return of this beautiful country road.” At press time, investigators were attempting to ID the remains of a stretch of highway found buried by the side of I-97.

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