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A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Ray Lewis

Ravens Inside Linebacker

Strength: Antler-based; Natural birthmarks under eyes save a ton of money on face paint; Remains cool and collected in high-pressure environments like Super Bowls or witness stands; No problem wrapping up big backs, bringing them to the ground, and ripping out the entrails

Weakness: Wastes all of his energy during player introductions; Can’t fall asleep at night without a concussion; Will probably retire before ever decapitating competitor

Retirement Plans: Spend time with family, travel, chronic traumatic encephalopathy

Skill: Points out passing plays by running around on all fours and barking

Pet Peeve: When head gets caught inside ball carrier’s ribcage

Secret: Actually prefers not to yell, but has to because football stadiums are really loud

Post-Retirement Plan: Annoy the shit out of the entire country every Sunday alongside Howie Long and Terry Bradshaw

NEXT: Ed Reed

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