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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Raytheon CEO Sends Obama Another Article About Mounting Unrest In Libya

WALTHAM, MA—Using the subject heading “you should definitely check this out,” Thomas A. Kennedy, CEO of the defense contractor Raytheon, reportedly emailed President Obama today with yet another link to an article detailing mounting tensions in Libya. “Hey Barack, just thought you might be interested in this,” read the email, the sixth such message sent from Kennedy in the past month, in which he CC’d Defense Secretary Ashton Carter and provided a link to a recent CNN story about ISIS gaining a foothold in the Libyan city of Derna. “Looks like things are really getting out of hand over there. A lot of people are saying it could destabilize the whole region.” Sources confirmed that several minutes after sending the email, Kennedy received a curt reply from Obama indicating that he had already seen the story earlier in the week when it was sent to him by executives at Lockheed Martin, Northrop Grumman, ATK, General Dynamics, and Boeing.

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