Résumé Accidentally Kept On File

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Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Résumé Accidentally Kept On File

CHICAGO–In a blunder being attributed to "clerical oversight," the Chicago ad agency of Meacham & Braun accidentally kept the résumé of recent University of Illinois graduate Chris DiMaio on file Monday. "We regret the inadvertent fulfillment of our promise to Mr. DiMaio to retain his résumé for future reference should a position that suits him become available at Meacham & Braun," said agency director Thomas Graydon. "As a result of this error, we are investigating our résumé-processing system and are confident that future résumés remitted to us, with the exception of those few that impress us, will be disposed of surreptitiously while we pacify the applicant with platitudes."