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Reade High School: Home of the Warriors And Over 100 Documentaries

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted

BUFFALO, NY—Howling with excitement after seeing the brand-new furniture set in the corner of the bedroom they now share, Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his twin brother, recently hired Bills assistant head coach Rob Ryan, finally got the bunk beds they always wanted, sources confirmed Monday.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.

BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously

GLENDALE, AZ—Noting that all television feeds and online streams suddenly cut out simultaneously, sources confirmed that the BCS computer took over every single screen in the United States midway through Monday evening’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson.

Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

KENAI, AK—Sitting on a rock atop the powerful, churning rapids, a grizzly bear reportedly caught Michael Phelps in its jaws Tuesday as the sexually mature Olympian leaped out of the water while swimming upstream to spawn.

Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.

Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him.

Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying the eye-opening experience has forever altered his worldview, Buffalo Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus admitted to reporters Friday that a play-action pass play by the New York Jets had totally shattered his youthful innocence.

Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong

NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series.

Keys To The Matchup: Mets vs. Royals

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain

HOUSTON—Noting that the 22-year-old was a “wonderful young man who will be immensely missed by all who knew him,” the Houston Texans announced Thursday that linebacker Jadeveon Clowney tragically succumbed to his battle with a right-ankle sprain.

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly

Known as one of the most innovative minds in football, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly has implemented an offense that racks up huge numbers in the loss column. Is he any good?

Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.

2015 NFL Season Preview

The 2015 NFL season is poised to be among the most memorable and eventful in league history, with several of the notable moments hopefully occurring on the field. Onion Sports breaks down everything you need to know before the season kicks off.

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.
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Reade High School: Home of the Warriors And Over 100 Documentaries

When people want to make a documentary about a slice of Americana, they come to Reade, Texas and join the long, proud tradition of filming a season's worth of footage of the Reade Warriors football team. Here are some of the best ones out there, but even if you watch these, don't worry; there's five more Reade documentaries slated for release this year alone.

Justice In Reade
Four teammates on the Reade High School football team stand accused of a heinous crime, killing a four-year old girl after a drunken team celebration. The filmmakers take a look at the notion of innocent until proven guilty and what it's like walking and living life as a known suspect and football star in Reade, Texas.

Distinctions:
TriBeca Film Festival Best Documentary Feature
San Francisco International Film Festival
Telluride Film Festival Silver Medallion
Toronto International Film Festival

Once A Brother
The devastating tale of two friends, two teammates ripped apart by the pressures of winning the last roster spot on the acclaimed Reade High School football squad. A look inside the head and home of two distinctly American teens.

Distinctions:
Sundance Film Festival
Palm Springs International Film Festival
Talinn Black Nights Film Festival Grand Prix
Toronto International Film Festival

To Be From Reade
Ever wonder what it's like to represent your family and county on the gridiron? This documentary takes a look at what it means to have - and keep - a spot on the high school football team, deep in the heart of Reade, Texas.

Distinctions:
TriBeca Film Festival
Telluride Film Festival Silver Medallion
Festival de Gramado
Cannes Film Festival Palm D'Or recipient
Toronto International Film Festival

Sparta Falls
Football isn't just a game in Reade, Texas: it's life. But what happens when a strict disciplinarian coach comes up against accusations of overworking his all-American teen charges? What wins out? Safety? Winning? Football? Sparta Falls takes on everything you know about Texas, high school and football.

Distinctions:
Ann Arbor Film Festival Best of the Festival
Warsaw Film Fesival
Mar del Plata Jury's Special Award
Toronto International Film Festival

We're From Reade
When you're representing your family and your county every Friday night, there are certain unspoken rules of respect that transcend age and class. We're From Reade takes a look at the generational aspects of being a high school football player in Reade, Texas.

Distinctions:
Shanghai Film Festival
Sundance Film Festival Grand Jury Prize
South by Southwest
Toronto International Film Festival

Foot Out Of Football
What if you live in the American heartland but you have aspirations for so much more, far beyond the confines of Reade, Texas? Join the high school football team of course. Follow Brian Tanner's voyage from bright young linebacker trying to escape Texas through the only tributary anyone in the state knows: football.

Distinctions:
Raindance Film Festival Best International Feature
New York Film Festival
Valdivia International Film Festival Pudu Winner
Toronto International Film Festival

Reade Fights On
One bright Tuesday morning in September, the Reade High School football team comes to practice… and finds out about the worst terrorist attack on U.S. soil in history. Together. A rousing tale of the inspiration teammates find in each other, and in football.

Distinctions:
Sundance Film Festival
Venice Film Festival Golden Lion
Pusan International Film Festival Sonje Award
Toronto International Film Festival

Bound And Lashed: Football And Sexual Assault In Reade
If you're young, handsome and play football for your high school in Reade, Texas, one might think of you as unassailable, untouchable. But is it true? Follow the story of Grady Elmore, quarterback for the Reade Warriors and see how complicated life in the heartland can be.

Distinctions
Karlovy Vary Crystal Globe Winner
Moscow Film Festival Main Prize
Sundance Film Festival
Toronto International Film Festival

Sons Of Reade
Growing up in Reade, Texas means a steady diet of eggs, milk… and football. Follow the Reade Warriors as they train together, play together and shoulder the hopes, fears and expectations of an entire county, and by extension, an entire country.

Distinctions:
South by Southwest Audience Award
Ann Arbor Film Festival
San Sebastian Film Festival Official Selection
Toronto International Film Festival

Learning To Reade
Football isn't something you go to school for in Reade, Texas. It's something you're born into. Follow the 1972 state champion Reade Warriors as they look to win back to back titles and shoulder the expectations of an entire town… and each other.

Distinctions
Tribeca Film Festival
Raindance Film Festival
Warsaw Film Festival Audience Award
Toronto International Film Festival

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