Reade High School: Home of the Warriors And Over 100 Documentaries

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Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Strongside/Weakside: Jose Mourinho

Having won titles in Spain, England, Italy, and Portugal, manager Jose Mourinho has cemented himself as one of the most successful megalomaniacs in soccer. Is he any good?

Having won titles in Spain, England, Italy, and Portugal, manager Jose Mourinho has cemented himself as one of the most successful megalomaniacs in soccer. Is he any good?

Highlights From NFL Training Camp

With preseason games underway and preparations intensifying across the league, the NFL has had no shortage of stories to keep fans occupied before the new season kicks off. Onion Sports breaks down the biggest moments from this summer’s training camp.

Strongside/Weakside: Ronda Rousey

After winning her third straight bout in less than 40 seconds, UFC star Ronda Rousey has become the most dominant MMA fighter in the world and is truly living the dream of any incredibly violent person. Is she any good?

Fan Can’t Believe He Left 11 Seconds Into Ronda Rousey Fight

RIO DE JANEIRO—Kicking himself for not staying all the way until the end of the fight and subsequently missing its thrilling finish, local mixed martial arts fan Marcos Acosta expressed both disappointment and regret Tuesday for leaving UFC 190’s main event between Ronda Rousey and Bethe Correia after 11 seconds.

Strongside/Weakside: Clint Dempsey

Despite losing the team’s captaincy after a recent incident with a referee, Clint Dempsey has propelled the U.S. closer to a sixth Gold Cup title. Is he any good?

Biggest Moves In NBA Free Agency

With numerous star players inking max contracts over the past two weeks, the first month of NBA free agency has already shaken up rosters across the league. Onion Sports examines the biggest free agent signings so far.

Every Comment On ‘Immaculate Reception’ YouTube Video Clearly From Franco Harris

PITTSBURGH—Noting that the dozens of rambling, overly excited posts date all the way back to when the clip was first uploaded in early 2011, sources confirmed Thursday that every comment below a YouTube video of the famed 1972 “Immaculate Reception” football play was clearly written by Pittsburgh Steelers Hall of Fame running back Franco Harris.

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Strongside/Weakside: Alex Morgan

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Sexist Pig Has No Idea When Team USA Playing Nigeria

‘What Round Is This Again?’ Misogynist Asshole Asks

NORTHFORD, CT—Revealing just how old-fashioned and small-minded he truly is, local sexist pig Jonathan Scott admitted Monday he has no idea what time the U.S. women’s soccer team plays Nigeria tomorrow night, sources reported.

Owner Tearfully Releases American Pharoah After Triple Crown Win

‘You’ve Earned Your Freedom,’ Emotional Horse Owner Says

ELMONT, NY—Overcome with emotion as he described how much he’d miss his “old friend,” the owner of Triple Crown–winner American Pharoah bid a tearful farewell to the colt Monday before granting the horse its freedom, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Barcelona vs. Juventus

Barcelona and Juventus go head-to-head in a Champions League final that will be watched by millions of incarcerated soccer executives around the world. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Warriors vs. Cavaliers

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Blackhawks vs. Lightning

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

FIFA Assures Fans Investigation Won’t Affect 2022 Qatar Slush Fund

ZURICH—Stressing that soccer’s international governing body will continue to conduct business as usual in the face of high-profile fraud charges, FIFA officials assured the public Friday that the ongoing U.S. Department of Justice investigation will in no way affect the 2022 Qatar slush fund.

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Hockey Fans Treated To Rare Sighting Of Zamboni Giving Birth

ANAHEIM, CA—With thousands of spectators visibly emotional after witnessing the heartwarming moment, fans at Monday night’s playoff game between the Anaheim Ducks and Chicago Blackhawks were reportedly treated to the rare sight of a pregnant Zamboni giving birth.

James Harden Pretty Sure He Felt Something Pop In Lower Beard

HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors.

Strongside/Weakside: James Harden

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

Bored David Blatt Just Drawing Up Plays For Fun During Cavs Game

ATLANTA—Explaining it was merely something to occupy his attention throughout the evening, Cleveland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt revealed to reporters that he was spending the majority of Wednesday night’s Eastern Conference Finals game against the Atlanta Hawks drawing up plays for fun on the sideline.

Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Blame Breakup On Hectic Sex Lives

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives.

Draft Pick Hugs Family That Will Bleed Him Dry Over Next 5 Years

CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed.

Greatest Boxing Matches Of All Time

With Floyd Mayweather Jr. facing Manny Pacquiao this Saturday in what many have dubbed the “Fight of the Century,” Onion Sports looks back at the greatest bouts in boxing history

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Best Playoff Performances In NBA History

With the basketball postseason heating up, Onion Sports looks back at the greatest individual performances in NBA playoff history. Shaquille O’Neal: During the 2001 NBA Finals, O’Neal was absolutely dominant while tearing apart ...

Derrick Rose Pulls Off Perfect 720 At Local Skate Park

CHICAGO—Following his numerous failed attempts at the challenging skateboard trick, sources confirmed Wednesday that Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose successfully landed a perfect 720-degree aerial at a local skate park. Rose reportedly manage...
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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Reade High School: Home of the Warriors And Over 100 Documentaries

When people want to make a documentary about a slice of Americana, they come to Reade, Texas and join the long, proud tradition of filming a season's worth of footage of the Reade Warriors football team. Here are some of the best ones out there, but even if you watch these, don't worry; there's five more Reade documentaries slated for release this year alone.

Justice In Reade
Four teammates on the Reade High School football team stand accused of a heinous crime, killing a four-year old girl after a drunken team celebration. The filmmakers take a look at the notion of innocent until proven guilty and what it's like walking and living life as a known suspect and football star in Reade, Texas.

Distinctions:
TriBeca Film Festival Best Documentary Feature
San Francisco International Film Festival
Telluride Film Festival Silver Medallion
Toronto International Film Festival

Once A Brother
The devastating tale of two friends, two teammates ripped apart by the pressures of winning the last roster spot on the acclaimed Reade High School football squad. A look inside the head and home of two distinctly American teens.

Distinctions:
Sundance Film Festival
Palm Springs International Film Festival
Talinn Black Nights Film Festival Grand Prix
Toronto International Film Festival

To Be From Reade
Ever wonder what it's like to represent your family and county on the gridiron? This documentary takes a look at what it means to have - and keep - a spot on the high school football team, deep in the heart of Reade, Texas.

Distinctions:
TriBeca Film Festival
Telluride Film Festival Silver Medallion
Festival de Gramado
Cannes Film Festival Palm D'Or recipient
Toronto International Film Festival

Sparta Falls
Football isn't just a game in Reade, Texas: it's life. But what happens when a strict disciplinarian coach comes up against accusations of overworking his all-American teen charges? What wins out? Safety? Winning? Football? Sparta Falls takes on everything you know about Texas, high school and football.

Distinctions:
Ann Arbor Film Festival Best of the Festival
Warsaw Film Fesival
Mar del Plata Jury's Special Award
Toronto International Film Festival

We're From Reade
When you're representing your family and your county every Friday night, there are certain unspoken rules of respect that transcend age and class. We're From Reade takes a look at the generational aspects of being a high school football player in Reade, Texas.

Distinctions:
Shanghai Film Festival
Sundance Film Festival Grand Jury Prize
South by Southwest
Toronto International Film Festival

Foot Out Of Football
What if you live in the American heartland but you have aspirations for so much more, far beyond the confines of Reade, Texas? Join the high school football team of course. Follow Brian Tanner's voyage from bright young linebacker trying to escape Texas through the only tributary anyone in the state knows: football.

Distinctions:
Raindance Film Festival Best International Feature
New York Film Festival
Valdivia International Film Festival Pudu Winner
Toronto International Film Festival

Reade Fights On
One bright Tuesday morning in September, the Reade High School football team comes to practice… and finds out about the worst terrorist attack on U.S. soil in history. Together. A rousing tale of the inspiration teammates find in each other, and in football.

Distinctions:
Sundance Film Festival
Venice Film Festival Golden Lion
Pusan International Film Festival Sonje Award
Toronto International Film Festival

Bound And Lashed: Football And Sexual Assault In Reade
If you're young, handsome and play football for your high school in Reade, Texas, one might think of you as unassailable, untouchable. But is it true? Follow the story of Grady Elmore, quarterback for the Reade Warriors and see how complicated life in the heartland can be.

Distinctions
Karlovy Vary Crystal Globe Winner
Moscow Film Festival Main Prize
Sundance Film Festival
Toronto International Film Festival

Sons Of Reade
Growing up in Reade, Texas means a steady diet of eggs, milk… and football. Follow the Reade Warriors as they train together, play together and shoulder the hopes, fears and expectations of an entire county, and by extension, an entire country.

Distinctions:
South by Southwest Audience Award
Ann Arbor Film Festival
San Sebastian Film Festival Official Selection
Toronto International Film Festival

Learning To Reade
Football isn't something you go to school for in Reade, Texas. It's something you're born into. Follow the 1972 state champion Reade Warriors as they look to win back to back titles and shoulder the expectations of an entire town… and each other.

Distinctions
Tribeca Film Festival
Raindance Film Festival
Warsaw Film Festival Audience Award
Toronto International Film Festival