Reagan Pyramid Nears Completion

In This Section

Vol 30 Issue 02

Christ's Face Seen On Miracle Canvas

FLORENCE, ITALY—Millions flocked to a museum in Florence this week to witness an image of Christ's face suspended on an ordinary piece of canvas. "It is Him!" said Paolo Bruni, 63, a merchant from Sorrento who traveled 200 miles to the diSforzi Museum to see the vision of Christ floating in the middle of a "golden rectangle." "It is truly a miracle," he said. Despite the clear depiction of Christ, many remain unconvinced. "It is a trick of the light," said German tourist Dieter Ühler, 34. "This is, ah, how do you say, an impossibility." The discovery of the miracle canvas comes just weeks after the supposed discovery of a 9x12-inch piece of paper with some fruit on it in a French museum.

Sports De-Emphasized

WASHINGTON, DC—After occupying a pre-eminent position in American culture for more than half a century, sports was de-emphasized Sunday, returning to what one U.S. spokesperson called "a more proper perspective." Phase one of the de-emphasis begins next week, when U.S. citizens will be stripped of all pro team merchandise, including Starter-brand NFL team jackets, officially licensed replica NBA jerseys and any remaining wacky fan novelty items. "I am going to fight this, as it is my strong conviction that sports is life, and the rest is just details," said Chicago resident Brian Fordson, clutching his Tazmanian Devil-Chicago Bears beer-dispenser/ helmet. According to reports, replacing sports in national importance will be either folk dancing or the study of the pre-WWI immigrant labor movement.

Adorable Puppy Nets Owner Handjob

AUSTIN, TX—Area puppy Patches netted owner James Kearney a handjob yesterday, using his undeniable puppy adorability to attract an attractive human female on behalf of his owner. According to reports, during a routine afternoon walk, Patches, a three-month-old yellow lab, stopped and playfully lapped the heels of area resident Rachel West, 20, who within minutes converted her strong feelings of affection toward Patches into sexual attraction for his owner. Kearney strongly denied allegations that he intentionally used the dog to win sexual favors.

Governor Lashes Out Against Cheap Scotch, Poorly Rolled Cigars

MONTPELIER, VT—In an angry address before supporters, Gov. James Kingery Monday railed against what he called "cheap-ass, watered-down scotch" and "cigars so poorly rolled they fall apart when you smoke them." He also lambasted magazines with pages so glossy that they're unreadable, and his wife's inability to gyrate and speak in a sexy manner during intercourse. "I've had it," Kingery told an assembled crowd of 2,000 at the State Capitol. "And I plan to drive legislation through the State Assembly to take action on these injustices." Gov. Kingery later recanted the statements, admitting he was "coked to the gills" at the time.

Is There Life on Mars?

NASA scientists recently discovered a Martian rock that may contain the remains of ancient life, raising the distinct possibility that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think?

How to Make a Newspaper Hat

I have two things I would like to say to the youth of today. First, kiss my blue-veined hiney! You're not fit to carry my coat, you insolent little bastards. Second, here is how to make a newspaper hat. I'm only going to tell you this once, so clean the wool out of your ears and listen up.

Lovable Cockney Charms Neighbors

CLOTTS, IN—The residents of Clotts have been getting quite an education in foreign cultures since the recent arrival of immigrant Nigel Edney, a real live Cockney from London, England. And with a colorful accent and a nimble wit to match, this tenacious teabag is fast capturing the hearts of his new neighbors.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Business

Race Relations

Reagan Pyramid Nears Completion

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Slave manpower was doubled this week in an effort to assure that erection of the gigantic Reagan Pyramid remains on schedule, and will be completed in time for the 40th President's mummification and ascension into the Afterworld upon death.

Builders expect the Reagan Pyramid to be ready in time for the Great Communicator's mummification and ascension into the Afterworld upon death. Among the items to be entombed with Reagan are 2,500 MX missiles, a golden chalice of jelly beans and his beloved servant, George Bush.

With doctors concurring that the former leader, suffering from Alzheimer's, is expected to die within two years, swift completion of the towering structure is "of paramount priority," according to Republican party insiders.

"Only the most gigantic tomb ever created will be worthy of the Great Communicator," said former Reagan Secretary of Defense Caspar Weinberger. "As his mortal subjects, it is our holy duty to provide Reagan with a burial commensurate with his stature, in order that he may enter the Realm of Death bedecked with raiments and honors so that he may take his rightful place beside the mighty Sun God, Ra."

From his ranch estate, the bedridden Reagan responded, saying, "Ra."

According to project overseer and Reagan Attorney General Edwin Meese, the 118,000-ton pyramid, which is visible from a distance of over 40 miles and has already cost the lives of some 50,000 slaves, will serve not only as Reagan's conduit to the Empire of the Gods, but also as an earthly repository of the deified Republican's vast wealth.

"Buried with Reagan will be his finest treasures," Meese said, "including 2,500 MX intercontinental ballistic missiles, 15 Stealth bombers, a golden chalice of jelly beans and his most prized servant, George Bush."

Bush told reporters, "It is my honor and duty to have my sinus passages ceremonially packed with sand before my still-living, pain-racked body is forever locked with my leader's within the Great Reagan's final resting place. Let us all praise Osiris."

The former President's mummified husk will be placed in the burial chamber as perfectly intact as possible. To this end, Reagan's internal organs have already been removed and preserved, encased in ornate protective ceramic vessels and sealed in beeswax.

"This is the spleen that brought down the Evil Russian Empire," said Reagan Chief of Staff James Baker, holding aloft several of Reagan's just-removed innards. "And these are the lungs that ended the Great Iran Hostage Crisis, caused by his weak predecessor, Carter I. Hail Reagan."

According to reports, the massive burial monument staggers the imagination of all who behold it in its sheer splendor and majesty. Exquisite engravings, inlaid with gold and silver leaf and precious jewels, depict the cycle of the Reaganic Creation Myth, with the deified Reagan symbolically castrated by his mother, giving birth to the sun and moon, and then being dismembered by Set, his scattered bodily fragments forming the stars of the night sky.

Despite the great sancitity of its Inner Chamber, the Reagan Pyramid may attract Hittite raiders bent on desecrating and robbing it of its vast treasuries of gold, jewels, fine dyed cloth, rare Hollywood movie stills and a parchment from A.D. 1982 depicting a $1.3 trillion Defense Department budget increase.

"Thieves and infidels must not violate the Great Reagan's sanctity!" Reagan high-priest Michael Deaver said. "All those who tread these halls without the Seven Keys of Sununu will die victims of the dreaded Curse of Reagan's Tomb!"

He later added, "Mwahh ha ha ha ha!"

The tomb will also be protected from Hittite marauders by a fleet of overhead Stealth bombers, biological and chemical warfare installations surrounding its base, and a $200 billion orbital "Star Wars" defense system.

Though the tomb itself will be off limits to all non-divine earthly beings, the general public will be allowed access to a nearby altar and bronze idol of Reagan, where Republican pilgrims may come to worship the former President and petition his intervention in prayer.

A gigantic statuary portrait of the President, standing over 100 feet high, will also gaze down on worshippers from a gigantic pedestal adorned with the inscription, "I Am Ronald Wilson Reagan, King of Kings. Look On My Works, Ye Mighty, And Despair."

From his bed, Reagan praised the work of his mortal subjects: "Pill lady," he said. "Pill."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More