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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Real-Life Nancy Drew Traces Source Of Her HPV

CHARLOTTE, NC—Cleverly putting together the clues to crack the case Monday, Samantha Pearson—a real-life Nancy Drew—reportedly used her sleuthing skills to deduce who had infected her with genital human papillomavirus. “I knew it had to be someone I’d met at the big party last month, but who could it be?” said Pearson, 20, who explained that she stumbled on the mystery after discovering several curious-looking warts on her skin. “Then all of a sudden I realized: HPV doesn’t usually spread from mouth to mouth, but by hands and genitalia! So it couldn’t be Fred or Danny, and since Mr. Conway just likes to watch, I quickly worked out that the culprit must be Kyle O’Keefe—of course!” At press time, sources confirmed the perky young gumshoe was off to track down the sinister fellow responsible and key an obscenity into his car door.

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