Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

Real-Life Stranger On A Train Less Interesting Than Hitchcock Version

PATERSON, NJ—On his commute to work Monday, Patrick Highsmith met a stranger who did not entangle him in a torrid affair, cross-country intrigue, or an elaborate murder plot. "The man made conversation, but it was just boring stuff: work, kids, sports, TV shows," Highsmith said of the bald, heavily jowled man seated next to him on the 8:17 a.m. train. "No suspicious redcaps, no faintly menacing blonde femme fatale, no rack zooms out the window, nothing." Highsmith said he was also unimpressed after spending several weeks spying on his neighbors while confined to a wheelchair.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.