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The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Real Life "Twister" Kills 117

Morganville, OK—As the runaway smash hit film Twister tore up box offices across the U.S. on its opening weekend, an exciting, real life "twister" tore through this tiny farming community of 459 Sunday night. The super-duper "twister," which takes its name from the new Steven Spielberg-produced blockbuster, uprooted homes, trees and cars and killed 117 in a thrilling display of nature's fury. Witnesses said the action-packed devastation was not unlike that featured in the hot new motion picture from the director of Speed, Jan De Bont. "We have nothing," said Morganville resident John McCushan, whose entire family was killed by the "twister." "My life is ruined." In a display Variety magazine called "touching," the entire town gathered at Trinity Lutheran Church Monday to mourn the loss of loved ones. Twister opened on 3,000 screens nationwide Friday, grossing $23 million in its first weekend of domestic release.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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