Realistic Announcer Shouting How Kevin Durant Making His Last 4 Shots Has No Bearing On Whether He Will Make Next Shot

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Vol 47 Issue 12

The TuckScreen: Historical Documents Show Dream's Decline

People began to give up on the American Dream almost from the time it was created. Below, a letter from a riverboat porter written in 1901 shows some of the earliest written documentation of an American saying, "Fuck it, what's the point?" The ...

Message From The Mayor

A special message from Mayor Sue Hallinan: "Just wanted to let folks know that there's going to be a whole bunch of commotion down at Tuffy's this evening as several members of the national press will be in town. In case you haven't heard, our boy T...
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Realistic Announcer Shouting How Kevin Durant Making His Last 4 Shots Has No Bearing On Whether He Will Make Next Shot

OKLAHOMA CITY—Amidst a hot streak Sunday in which Thunder star Kevin Durant hit four field goals in a row against the Raptors, excited and extremely realistic play-by-play man Brian Davis could be heard singing the forward's praises at the top of his lungs while carefully acknowledging that those previous positive results had no statistical influence on future shots. "It seems like he's on fire, but it's more a mathematical anomaly than anything!" Davis yelled, noting that Durant's lifetime field-goal percentage, weighted toward his current season tally, was a better indicator of whether or not he would make the next shot than anything that might be inferred by his hitting four in a row. "Durant pulls up and drains another—essentially the equivalent of flipping a coin five times in a row and getting heads each time! Don't think for a second this streak has to end on the next shot, either; consider each shot a discrete and independent event!" Davis lost his voice late in the fourth quarter while shouting about how the Thunder need to find a way to get the ball in Durant's hands, but only because he is their best player and not because he is in any way immune to the universal phenomena of chaos and randomness.

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