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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Realistic Day Planner Only Includes First Couple Weeks After Purchase

LAKE ZURICH, IL—In an effort to provide customers with a more practical product that better suits their typical usage, office supplies manufacturer Mead released a new realistic day planner this week that only includes entries for the first couple weeks after its purchase. “We wanted to make sure our products aligned with our consumers’ actual needs, so the new line of planners we launched for this holiday season only contains dates through the first half of January, and after that it’s blank,” said Mead brand manager Philip Walden, who added that, as a precautionary measure, the day planner features 14 date entries despite numerous consumer surveys showing that most people only used those on their planners’ first page. “We also included entries for March 11 through 13, as well as a couple random days in April and June, for when our customers suddenly feel guilty at various points in the year and try to take another stab at organizing their lives. The rest of the pages can be used for doodling, writing down grocery lists, or just as scrap paper.” Mead officials confirmed the realistic day planner had also been specially designed to fit seamlessly into any existing pile of clutter.

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