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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Really Hip 90-Year-Old Figures He Has Every Right To Torrent Glenn Miller's 'In The Mood'

CORAL GABLES, FL—Noting that he had already purchased the song for his wind-up Victrola seven decades ago, extremely hip 90-year-old Emmet McInerny insisted Monday that he had every right to download a recording of Glenn Miller’s “In The Mood” for free using a BitTorrent client. “Hell, the Miller estate’s gotten enough money out of me,” the tech-savvy nonagenarian stated as the download bar for the 1939 big-band staple passed 70 percent. “And I sure as hell don’t feel like lining the pockets of the bigwigs at RCA. I know it’s not their fault I lost my old 78 of the song when I moved houses back in 1965, but fuck it.” Since he was online anyway, McInerny then proceeded to torrent "Mairzy Doats" by the Merry Macs.

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