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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Really Hip 90-Year-Old Figures He Has Every Right To Torrent Glenn Miller's 'In The Mood'

CORAL GABLES, FL—Noting that he had already purchased the song for his wind-up Victrola seven decades ago, extremely hip 90-year-old Emmet McInerny insisted Monday that he had every right to download a recording of Glenn Miller’s “In The Mood” for free using a BitTorrent client. “Hell, the Miller estate’s gotten enough money out of me,” the tech-savvy nonagenarian stated as the download bar for the 1939 big-band staple passed 70 percent. “And I sure as hell don’t feel like lining the pockets of the bigwigs at RCA. I know it’s not their fault I lost my old 78 of the song when I moved houses back in 1965, but fuck it.” Since he was online anyway, McInerny then proceeded to torrent "Mairzy Doats" by the Merry Macs.

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