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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Really-Loud-Whistle Guy Takes Every Opportunity To Whistle Loudly

AUSTIN, TX—Whether he's making his approval known during sporting events and rock concerts, or simply in a situation that requires him to get the attention of one or more persons, 33-year-old loud whistler Jim Burston never misses an occasion to insert his pinkies into his mouth and whistle loudly, sources reported Monday. "I'm not sure it was necessary to whistle like that to gather everyone in the breakroom for cupcakes," said coworker Robert Lindel, referring to a recent incident in which Burston whistled piercingly for more than 10 seconds until everyone in his office had assembled for a workplace birthday celebration. "He could have just sent an e-mail." According to witnesses, Burston last whistled loudly at the conclusion of a bris, but was quickly drowned out by loud-air-horn guy Lucas Nesbaum, 32, a man known for frequently discharging an ear-shattering 345-decibel air horn.

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