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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Really-Loud-Whistle Guy Takes Every Opportunity To Whistle Loudly

AUSTIN, TX—Whether he's making his approval known during sporting events and rock concerts, or simply in a situation that requires him to get the attention of one or more persons, 33-year-old loud whistler Jim Burston never misses an occasion to insert his pinkies into his mouth and whistle loudly, sources reported Monday. "I'm not sure it was necessary to whistle like that to gather everyone in the breakroom for cupcakes," said coworker Robert Lindel, referring to a recent incident in which Burston whistled piercingly for more than 10 seconds until everyone in his office had assembled for a workplace birthday celebration. "He could have just sent an e-mail." According to witnesses, Burston last whistled loudly at the conclusion of a bris, but was quickly drowned out by loud-air-horn guy Lucas Nesbaum, 32, a man known for frequently discharging an ear-shattering 345-decibel air horn.

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