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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Realtor Obligated To Tell Potential Buyers About Murder Happening In Basement

OAK PARK, IL—Saying he hoped the revelation wouldn’t dampen their enthusiasm for the house, realtor Bill Cylkowski informed a couple of potential buyers Thursday that he was obligated to tell them about the murder currently happening in the basement. “Just to let you guys know, I do have to mention that there are four people being killed downstairs right now,” said Cylkowski, adding that he was fully aware that some might consider the in-progress quadruple homicide a deal-breaker. “I know you really love this place, but I wouldn’t be doing my job if I wasn’t forthright about the horrifying tragedy underway at this very moment. I can assure you, however, that the shrieking and pleas for mercy will be complete by your move-in date unless the victims are going to be unexpectedly tortured to death over several weeks.” At press time, Cylkowski was telling the couple that the neighborhood was near some excellent schools and that the previous owners actually had two children roughly the same age as theirs.

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