‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Realtor Was Not Expecting Such Hard-Hitting Questions About Water Pressure

ALBANY, NY—Left staggered and dumbfounded by the unexpected line of inquiry, real estate agent Jeffrey Tindell told reporters Monday he was totally unprepared for a potential buyer’s hard-hitting questions about the water pressure in a local three-bedroom townhouse recently listed for sale. “The showing seemed to be going pretty well, but then, out of nowhere, this guy starts grilling me on all this stuff about whether the water pressure is lower upstairs than it is downstairs—he just completely blindsided me,” said a visibly exasperated Tindell, recounting how his feet were held to the fire with questions about whether the previous resident had been happy with the pressure and whether the showerhead would likely need to be replaced. “I tried to change the subject and bring his attention back to the newly installed Berber carpeting, but he just wouldn’t let up. By the time he hit me with that question about whether the pressure in the shower is still good when the dishwasher is running, I knew I was in way, way over my head.” Tindell added that he was still reeling at the mere thought of the prospective buyer actually following through on his promise to send “a few follow-up questions” about the washer-dryer hookups.

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