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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.
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Recent Cardinals Call-Up Trying Too Hard To Befriend Albert Pujols

ST. LOUIS—Anthony Reyes, a 24-year-old pitcher who was called up from the Cardinals' Triple-A Memphis affiliate on May 21, is taking full advantage of his time with the big-league club by going to extreme lengths to earn the friendship of superstar Albert Pujols, teammates reported Tuesday. "His first day with the club, he told Albert that he was his idol, and that he always wanted to be a first-baseman, and then offered to clean out Albert's locker," said centerfielder Jim Edmonds, whom other Cardinals suspect may just be angry that none of the rookies ever care about endearing themselves to him. "He's always loudly applauding routine ground balls that Albert fields at first base, and after every one of Albert's at-bats, there's Ant with a cup of his favorite Gatorade flavor, a handful of sunflower seeds, and a moist towel. Does he think that if he gets in Albert's good graces, the team will be less inclined to send him back down to the minors?" When asked about the rookie, Pujols said "Aaron [sic] seems like a pretty okay guy," and added that he really appreciated his donation of one year's salary to the Pujols Family Foundation for Down syndrome.

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